Terror Storm (1978)

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Yeah, I know the poster says Cyclone but I prefer the other title, Terror Storm, because, you know, it’s funnier.  We  have another would be masterpiece from Rene Cardona Jr., who, for some reason, does not know how to edit a movie to a reasonable length.  There is no reason why Terror Storm should be 118 minutes long.

My other beef with the movie is that there is too much humanity in it.  It’s a freakin’ Rene Cardona Jr. picture!  I’ve already seen Tintorera: Killer Shark and Guyana: Crime of the Century so I know this guy’s modus operandi so I don’t understand why they needed to have the touching scene where the woman has the baby and everyone takes turns holding it but hey…

Funny how Terror Storm has more to do with sharks than Tintorera: Killer Shark.  It also would have been a pretty standard disaster film like The Towering Inferno or The Poseidon Adventure but this is Rene Cardona Jr. and only recently he produced his father’s film Survive! about a group of people in the Andes forced to cannibalism.  So, why not make his own movie with cannibalism?

Basically a tropical cyclone causes a plane to crash and a ship to sink and, as a result, the survivors end up on a mid-sized boat that is touring some area in the tropics.  The survivors are forced to ration food and water and to deal with each other.  Among the passengers include Carol Baker who has a pet dog, Olga Carlotos (the girl from Zombie who gets the wood splint in her eye) as a pregnant woman, another Zombie cast member who I forgot, Lionel Stander (who was in a bunch of cool movies including Roman Polanski’s Cul De Sac) and Andreas Garcia (the brawny guy who looks like Elliott Gould and was also in Tintorera: Killer Shark).  Stuart Whitman is in it briefly as well but his role is pretty minimal.

Let’s see; at first people try to act civil to each other and then shit starts to get real.  They kill Caroll Baker’s dog and eat it, cut parts out of somebody to use as fish bait and eventually eat someone.  A couple people die and the Elliott Gould lookalike plays the clear-headed, rational guy who tries to keep everybody in line.  There’s a preacher, there’s a couple angry fishermen, there’s a little girl and there are a bunch of other stock people who are not really worth mentioning.

The best part is near the end where you think the passengers are saved and then the sharks start eating them.  I know I gave away a lot of what happens in this movie but you know damn well you don’t care about story or character development.  You just want to see crazy and sick shit occur.  And it does but just not often enough.  You have to wait long periods of time for stuff to happen.  At least when it does, it’s fairly graphic.  Again, though, Cardona Jr. could have edited this down and sped up the pace.

The Vampire (1957)

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Well, for one thing, it’s not really a vampire.

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Actually he/it looks more like Lee Marvin after dipping his head in a vat of acid.  But, anyway, judging by how this review came after the one for The Return of Dracula, you can safely assume I just watched this pair of fun, somewhat schlocky, late 1950s, drive-in “quickies” back to back on the same DVD.  It turns out this one was also written and directed by Paul Landres.

The big difference between The Vampire and The Return of Dracula is that, in this case, the movie has more of a science fiction feel to it than fantastical horror.  Also, this one is slightly more interesting because of the nihilistic tone it takes.  I know you’re thinking that I’m reading too much into it when I draw such a conclusion.  But, when you see how the movie plays out, it makes sense.  Sure, you could just as easily chalk it up to bad writing as a result of just trying to get a movie quickly made but it’s worth acknowledging.

Basically, what happens is Dr. Paul Beacher (John Beal) mistakenly takes a pill made from the blood of vampire bats instead of the aspirin he was supposed to take.  Henceforth, he turns into the above pictured monster nightly and starts picking off innocent victims one after another.  I know the plot sounds more like a scientific werewolf movie but he doesn’t brutally mutilate his victims; he just drains them of their life-blood via the neck.  And instead of becoming part of the undead, they just remain… dead.

So why is that nihilistic?  Well, it was Dr. Beacher’s daughter that mistakenly switched the pills and, because of her completely innocent mistake, she watches her single father deteriorate until he’s forced to be killed in the film’s climax.  No redemption in spite the fact that other than accidentally taking the wrong pill, he was a completely benign doctor.  I could see the climax being some form of poetic justice if the doctor was a mad scientist or just overzealous but he wasn’t.  He was a good, normal doctor.

Otherwise The Vampire is a fun, quickly moving, horror thriller with nicely placed shocks and kills – including an old lady, which I thought was cool since, in spite of the more innocent era in which the movie was made, it did not prevent an old lady from being a victim to the monster.

There are some okayish stock characters; a cute nurse, a nosy detective and, of course, the doctor’s daughter and the direction was solid, with neat shots and quick pace.  Plus John Beal’s make-up job was cool too.

 

The Return of Dracula (1958)

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The title for this quick, little drive-in picture from writer/director Paul Landres is a little misleading since it’s not a sequel nor canonical in any way with any other Dracula story or franchise.  It’s just a one off story about a vampire that assumes the identity of a Czech artist, moves into a small town and proceeds to terrorize its inhabitants.

That’s okay though.  For the most part, it’s a good, fun little thriller with all of the vampire movie cliches and typically expected twists.  There isn’t that much to say about it.  Francis Lederer is the vampire who acts “mysteriously” by sleeping all day, going out at night and refusing to attend social gatherings- including a Halloween party where you’d think he’d fit in fine.

The acting is pretty standard stuff to get you through the plot but the movie looks cool so that’s a plus.  There are a few well placed shocks, including a corpse, among other stuff and the climax in the cave is pretty cool as well.

I know it seems odd to give three out of four iron crosses to a movie which I have so little to say about but, really there just isn’t that much to this.  There’s a neat mausoleum scene at the beginning and cave at the end looked cool but there just that much more to say about it.

It did come at an interesting time in horror cinema.  By the late 1950s, the horror movie was all but dead and it seemed that many of the studios tried to keep horror in a modern context since it takes place in the modern time.  This one sort of fell by the wayside by the time Hammer and American International breathed fresh life into gothic horror cinema with their color adaptations.

Hated: GG Allin & the Murder Junkies (1993)

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I’ve come to terms with my being a GG Allin fan.  I completely understand why people write off GG Allin as a talentless loser who shits onstage and doesn’t have very much to say outside of very basic attacks on society for making you do what you don’t want to do, etc. etc.  Yet, somehow, he managed to finagle members of Dinosaur Jr., the Butthole Surfers, the Dead Boys and the MC5 to play backup for him; even Dee Dee Ramone joined his band for two weeks before the reality of what he was getting into set in.

Well maybe he paid them.  Actually, probably not; there was no money to be earned from playing backup for GG Allin!  I don’t know where I’m going with this.  I’m probably like most of GG’s fans; where I was intrigued by the freak show and actually enjoy the songs but think the guy was just a very sad person who dealt with his problem through his alleged “mission.”  The craziest thing about GG Allin is how he got from point a to point b.  He didn’t ALWAYS take shits on stage and beat up unwitting audience members who thought that no matter how close they got, it was just a “show.”

Look at him on his first album:

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Look at him before he died of a heroine overdose:

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He actually tried to start a real career, playing punk rock not too different from Stiv Bators or Darby Crash and singing delightfully poppy punk songs like “Beat Beat Beat”, “One Man Army”, “Bored to Death”, “Gimme Some Head” and “You Hate Me and I Hate You” with this backup band the Jabbers.  They apparently became really annoyed with how he wouldn’t let many performances transpire without doing something to get the plug pulled on them.  And I’m talking normalish shit like messing with audience members, pouring drinks on people’s heads, not too different from what Sid Vicious would have done.

Then something happened; some say it was his divorce, some say a bad hit of acid, some say his bipolar and antisocial personality disorders came to fruition buuut… according to something I read, GG Allin first pooped on stage in the middle of 1985 and thus carried on, touring on Greyhound buses, finding musicians that know his songs and doing lots and lots of drugs.  Eventually the party ended in 1990 when he went to prison on assault charges and was forced to go through the awful experience of being sober.

Hated from director Todd Philips – yes, the Todd Philips of Road Trip, Old School, Starsky and Hutch and the Hangover series – was probably very informative in 1993 before DVD special features – the 64 minute interview with GG’s older brother Merle is far more informative than the actual film – and extensive internet research provided more details into GG Allin’s world than this surprisingly short, 52 minute documentary did.

Regardless it’s still entertaining to watch gig footage of GG pooping on stage and punching two audience members (apparently breaking both of their noses!) while performing “Die When You Die” before the cops came and busted up the show.  We also get to watch a GG performance art piece at a New York college where he gets completely naked, shoves a banana up his anus and tries to convince audience members to also take their clothes off.  I absolutely did not approve of when he was doing a spoken word performance in 1988 and started beating up some woman who tried to confront him face to face.  I suppose, if she sat where she was in the back, she would have been fine, but the real question is what GG Allin hoped to gain by being such a dick.

There are also some neat interviews with past and present members of the Murder Junkies including his older brother Merle, who seems way more normal and nice in spite of his, ahem, Hitler mustache (or is it a Chaplin mustache?).  Funny how the drummer, whose name I forgot, seems more like a peace loving hippie guy than an outlaw scumfuc, asshole and calls GG Allin a “beautiful person”, I’m not kidding.

The most interesting interviews are not with GG, who just spouts off about how free he is in spite of society trying to make you a slave, but with former guitarist Chicken John and a typical GG Allin fan.  Interestingly both seemed to have the same interpretations of GG’s “act” but with strikingly different opinions.  The former called GG a moron and a clown who is just boring and has nothing to say, claiming, “I can hit myself with microphones too!  It doesn’t hurt that much!” while the latter is more like me; probably another geek-show lover into mondos, Faces of Death, real crime books and anatomy photos and wanted to see some real sick shit up close.  He also calls it comedy as do I.

I feel like if GG played it slightly safer, not shitting onstage, beating up audience members, burning every bridge, doing a ton of drugs and actually writing a few songs that weren’t just vulgarity upon vulgarity then he might have made a halfway decent career in the outlaw, biker, scum punk scene.  In fact Jeff Clayton from Antiseen filled in for GG in the Murder Junkies shortly after his death and people were disappointed that they didn’t see Clayton pooping on stage or raping audience members.  The GG Allin-less Murder Junkies were forced to do it the old fashion way; how sad to not have a frontman whose behavior prematurely ends your set every time you play.

The Blood of Fu Manchu (1968)

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I think if you’ve read my review for The Brides of Fu Manchu, I mention how The Blood of Fu Manchu came next and then came The Castle of Fu Manchu even though the events from The Castle of Fu Manchu reference the events in The Brides of Fu Manchu, entirely skipping over those in The Blood of Fu Manchu.  And indeed, The Blood of Fu Manchu tells an entirely different story from that one.  It’s not like you need to watch these ridiculous films in any particular order to get what’s going on.  But, I just thought I’d clear that up if you were wondering.

For what it’s worth, The Blood of Fu Manchu was directed by Jess Franco, which makes the movie a bit more compelling in spite its stupidity and needlessly complicated plot.  Plus there’s quintessential Franco-isms like women chained by their hands from the ceiling having their clothes ripped from them.  Unfortunately, there isn’t nearly as much naughty stuff as what would be in later Franco films either because he had to conform to the Fu Manchu premise or because of the fascist Spanish censors.

Anyway, Christopher Lee reprises his role as Fu Manchu, the evil one who wants to take over the world for no particular reason.  This time he’s holed up in a temple in the amazon, where he holds women captive, administers snake venom to them and sends them off to kill his enemies via a kiss; hence the hilarious American title Kiss and Kill where Christopher Lee’s character isn’t called Fu Manchu but Mr. Evil.

Now, while it’s not hard to follow, the plot for this film is still needlessly convoluted, switching to a group of Mexican banditos that are led by a big, fat guy and invade some town, kill a bunch of people, steal stuff and rape the women – who, ya know, kind of enjoy it since it is Franco’s world, after all.  Then a bunch of other stuff happens involving a couple of brave, white guys who go to stop Fu Manchu – hey, I never said these movies were PC! – and there is some action and other stuff.  Also, a woman gets run over by a car so that’s cool.  Look, it’s not bad but there’s not much to say for Fu Manchu films.  They are what they are.

Also, if you’re one of those people who just watches the movie and doesn’t care for the special features, watch them this time.  Jess Franco talks about his fascination with Sax Romer’s novels and the interviews with Lee and Tsai Chin, who plays Fu Manchu’s assistant, provide some pretty interesting insight as well.  Chin admitted that these films and the concept of the “yellow peril”, as campy as it is, are indeed very racist and that it was either take these parts or not work.  Lee also didn’t feel too comfortable about the role; both morally and physically since he didn’t enjoy the amount of makeup needed to look Asian.  It’s also revealed that the reason Lee took so many Dracula roles is because Hammer had already sold the rights to the next sequel without asking and basically told Lee that he could walk away from the films if he wanted to put people out of work.  As he said in the interview, “that’s blackmail, isn’t it?”

Night of the Demon (1957)

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I ended up watching Night of the Demon twice because the DVD company that put it out thought it would be cute to mislead the consumer by claiming that the DVD contains two entirely different movies, both of which feature an angry looking puppet monster that looks like Oderus Urungus from Gwar.

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The sad truth, however, is that Night of the Demon is the uncut British version which earned an “X” designation from the British rating board, while Curse of the Demon is the butchered American version, from which so much is missing it’s hard to tell what’s going on.  Nah, I play.  The longer version just had longer dialogue scenes.  Otherwise there isn’t that much of a difference between the two.

Curse/Night of the Demon is a cool movie because there’s this Satanic black magician named Dr. Karswell (Nial MacGinnis) who casts spells on people and causes that giant demon to come out of the sky and kill those who oppose him.  However, since nobody else witnesses the demon, people think the victim dies from getting into gruesome accidents, yet nobody can explain why the person has all those claw and bite marks on his body.

Enter Dr. John Holden (Dana Andrews), the hilariously serious skeptic who has “studied” the magics and has “proven” they’re all fake.  You really have to suspend your disbelief to go along with a plot, in which Dr. Holden’s entire body of research consists of disproving the super natural.  His assistant is the lovely Joanna Harrington (Peggy Cummins), whose father was one of the victims and who surprisingly becomes Holden’s love interest because, ya know, she’s pretty and they’re alone together a lot so why not?

The movie was directed by Jacques Tourneur, who did a lot of those Val Lewton horror films and some earlier ones so you can at least know the movie will look very cool, with neat angles and expressionistic lighting.  In addition to that, there are way cool sets.  Andrews visits Stonehenge, old European peasant homes and big, gothic, castle locales all in the pursuit of answers to the mystery of why people have been inexplicably killed.  He’s there to prove that the passing along of some evil scroll is all a bunch of superstitious hokum but – and I’m sure you guessed this – as the plot develops, Andrews’ skepticism begins giving way to belief or at least, a slightly more open mind.

I don’t know how much research went behind this thing but we get a mish mash of super natural concepts from Satanism, black magic, white magic – Karswell entertains little kids with magic for Halloween – and witchcraft.  There’s even a seance in the film.

But what it amounts to is basically a unique take on a monster movie crossed with a super natural thriller.  It’s fun and the ending allows for the viewer to have gotten the “payoff” while leaving the characters in a state of suspense.

I’m Now: The Story of Mudhoney (2012)

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Mudhoney is one of the greatest rock ‘n’ roll bands of all time.  They rank right up there with AC/DC, the Ramones and Motorhead for their ability to release similar sounding, yet consistently pleasing music during the course of their existence.  Their sound combines fuzzed out Blue Cheer and Stooges inspired riffs, 60s “Nuggets” garage rock and a clever, smart ass sense of humor; the band is also known for dropping musical and lyrical homages to Blue Cheer, the Stooges and Alice Cooper among others.

The story of Mundhoney is also partly the story of independent label Sub Pop, whose own principles are rife with contradiction and whose story warrants its own documentary.  But I digress.

I’m Now: The Story of Mudhoney is a pretty standard rock doc; there isn’t that much stylistic flash as it cuts between talking heads, neat performance footage and old time-y TV clips, which seems to be a growing trend among these newer music documentaries.  Overall, it’s an entertaining film but, if you already know the group’s story, then really there isn’t that much to get out of it other than a flannel draped nostalgia trip.

The story of Mudhoney is as follows:  guitarist/singer (now just singer) Mark “Arm” McLaughlin met guitarist/sometimes singer Steve Turner while the two were in noisy punk band Mr. Epp and the Calculations who were sort of like a goofier Flipper.  The two became best buds for life and went on to form Green River with guitarist Stone Gossard and bassist Jeff Ament.  Green River were essentially just a lo fi hair metal band and, when they broke up, the “sellouts” Gossard and Ament left to form Mother Love Bone and eventually become multi-millionaire rock stars in Pearl Jam.

Meanwhile Mark Arm and Steve Turner stayed “real” and “true” and “underground” by forming Mudhoney with former Melvins bassist Matt Lukin, who claims he was fired from the Melvins for “not having a pussy”, and drummer Dan Peters; the group got their name from the 1965 Russ Meyer film.  At first Mudhoney thought they would release a couple singles or an EP, last for a year and move onto something else.  However, in 1988, their first year of existence, Mudhoney’s Sub Pop released debut single “Touch Me, I’m Sick” rocketed up the independent charts and they were crowned the kings of this underground movement/genre called “grunge.”  For the grunge neophyte, there is a HUGE difference between the noisy, messy, underground grunge of the pre-Nevermind era, with bands such as Mudhoney, Tad, Steel Pole Bathtub, Love Battery, Skin Yard and the Melvins, and the radio-friendly, “alternative rock” of Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Bush and Silverchair.  I suppose Soundgarden and Nirvana fell on both sides of the fence.

Mudhoney released two well received albums – Superfuzz Bigmuff EP (1988) and Mudhoney (1989) – toured the world with Sonic Youth, toured the States with various label mates like Tad and Nirvana and gained strong reception wherever they went.  Then, after the release of their 100,000 selling second album, Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge, the shaky financial situation at Sub Pop forced Mudhoney to regrettably leave the label and go to Reprise; apparently they would have stayed at Sub Pop had they known that Nevermind was going to be such a huge success, funnelling huge amounts of dough into Sub Pop coffers.

Anyway, the group deliberately set out to prove to fans that, not only would they not sell out to the majors but, that they wouldn’t change their sound at all.  To be sure the albums Piece of Cake (1992), Five Dollar Bob’s Mock Cooter Stew EP (1993), My Brother the Cow (1995) and Tomorrow Hit Today (1998) all sound exactly the same and just like their Sub Pop releases.  Okay, Tomorrow Hit Today has a slightly swampier feel to it.

By 1998, however, “alternative nation” was all but dead and Mudhoney saw the writing on the wall. Matt Lukin quit and the group went on hiatus.  Then, for some reason or another, in the early aughts, Mudhoney caught a second wind that paralleled the rise of garage groups such as the White Stripes, the Dirt Bombs and the Von Bondies, hired new bassist Guy Maddison, who was a nurse by day and played in the Australian band Bloodloss at night, re-signed with Sub Pop and lived happily ever after.  If you must know, the albums they released henceforth are Since We’ve Become Translucent (2002), Under a Billion Suns (2006), The Lucky Ones (2008) and Vanishing Point (2013).

People who do interviews in the movie include Seattle grunge alums Tad Doyle, Kim Thayill, all five Mudhoney members and Sub Pop label owner Bruce Pavitt.

Interesting anecdotes include:

– Courtney Love apparently seeking therapy after hearing the song “Into Your Shtik”

– Mudhoney being surprised that Pearl Jam’s road crew wasn’t full of douche bags like the one for Nirvana had been

– Mark Arm apparently dabbling in heroine and dating a stripper (although my friend Dan claims this is common knowledge)

-Mudhoney’s unfortunate meeting with an A&R gentleman from the allegedly independent Caroline records.  Whatever his name is (they deliberately say it in the movie to call him out but I just forgot) makes unreasonable demands on the group that directly influence them to go to a major label

-Mark Arm working the back room at Sub Pop and personally addressing all packages that are sent out

But the main message I got out of the movie is that Mark Arm and Steve Turner (well I’m sure Matt Lukin, Dan Peters and Guy Maddison as well) are intelligent, laid back dudes who don’t have egos and are comfortable with a modest, middle class existence provided they can make any music they want.  And furthermore, in spite of not becoming multi-millionaire rock stars, they still managed to party a lot and get chicks.

Now, I ask of Sub Pop, when are they going to reissue those goddamn Tad albums?!

Night of the Lepus (1972)

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Adorable bunnies grow really large and kill a bunch of people.  There is plenty of blood even though it’s a little fake looking and there are a few cool shots of mutilated bodies with severed limbs scattered about.  Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley and Stuart Whitman are in it.

The Brides of Fu Manchu (1966)

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If you’re one of my loyal readers into the music profiles, I apologize for the movie overload.  It’s way easier to write movie reviews than really lengthy band profiles where you review every album.  I’m working on part one on a piece about the Stranglers so stay tuned.

In some interview on some DVD special feature, Christopher Lee scoffed at the ignoramuses who claimed that he played Count Dracula 10 times.  “Ha ha, I don’t know what people are talking about!  They say I played Count Dracula 10 times, haha!”  Well, he actually played Count Dracula eight times so pardon the fans for rounding up.  Furthermore Lee has played the mummy, Rasputin and Frankenstein’s monster among others.  But, what’s funny about all of his roles is that, while he laughed at the idea of being tied to Dracula, he never seemed to blink once when playing Fu Manchu five times.

Do you know what that means?  That means that in five different films, he had people put putty over his eyes so he looked Asian and acted like a maniacal super villain.  Clearly he would have to find Fu Manchu a much more laughable role than Count Dracula!  We can only hope.

And I’m not politically correct enough to find it offensive that a white man would play an Asian.  As far as I gather, the only Fu Manchu film to really cause any controversy was The Mask of Fu Manchu where Karloff’s take on the character and situations involved caused people from back then to consider the film offensive.  But, as far as I gather, Lee’s Fu Manchu does not exhibit any Asian stereotypes nor does he want to destroy the white race and rape its women; he just wants to destroy the human race so it’s okay.

I’m confused though.  I’d already watched The Castle of Fu Manchu and that one begins where The Brides of Fu Manchu ends; that is, with the underground hideout exploding and Fu Manchu escaping.  But there is another film that came out between the two called The Blood of Fu Manchu, which I have yet to see.  So, I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

The Brides of Fu Manchu is not surprisingly really stupid and, for the most part, pretty boring.  It’s basically a cross between a less interesting James Bond movie with a Sherlock Holmes mystery; the main detective looks like Peter Sellers playing Sherlock Holmes and his assistant looks like a Watson type.

So why two iron crosses?  I like the hideout sets in the pyramid and the hilarious, “futuristic” command center from which Fu Manchu operates.  There are also lots of Italian/Spanish tan-skin, big-eye cuties to look at.  Otherwise, this film is completely lacking in gore, suspense or anything interesting at all.  The “brides” don’t even really do anything.  The only cool thing that happens is when one is dropped into a pit of snakes.

I apologize if this review is lacking in content but there really isn’t much to say about the film.

Raw Meat (1973)

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Christopher Lee has  to be a in a movie for more than two minutes for it to be fair for American International to advertise him on the bill, I think.

I realize that this movie really doesn’t deserve three out of four iron crosses and that most people who might stumble upon it will find it incredibly boring, but what can I say?  It appealed to me because it has some creepy looking sets and surprisingly realistic looking gore for 1973.  If I’m not mistaken, the old blood formula made most blood look like red paint; at least this is what Tom Savini said in a special feature to some movie I saw a long time ago.

There isn’t much in the way of plot in Raw Meat.  In fact, you’d be pressed to think of a reason for it to even be 87 minutes because there is almost nothing going on!  An American student and his adorable, red-head gal discover a body of someone who’s important or something laying on the steps of a subway and go report it to the police in Scotland Yard.  The police chief is Donald Pleasence who is delightfully dry and sarcastic the entire time.

After that, it’s basically a police precedural crossed with a gross horror movie.  All of the horror takes place in a grimy, underground sewer-like hideaway, where dwells a grotesque looking man, and, over the course of the film, we get to see some awesome shots of half-eaten and decomposing corpses laying around old furniture in a dirty underground hideaway.  There are some hints as to how these were apparently people who got stuck in the subway due to something happening.  I honestly don’t remember the explanation and didn’t find it all that important to story.

Eventually, the not quite bad guy, who is more just a confused or retarded mutant like thing, with sick looking head wounds and messy strands of hair, kidnaps the cutie and the police go to find her.  And that’s it!  There is absolutely nothing else to say about this movie!  There are very minor plot points here and there, like when the girl leaves the guy out of anger because he didn’t feel like reporting his finding a corpse to the cops, followed by her going back to him and a brief interrogation of whoever Christopher Lee is supposed to play.

But most of that is just padding for time.  Again: I gave the film three just because I enjoyed the dimly lit set and gory makeup effects, but if you’re one of those “story” people who wants a movie to move from point a to point b in a reasonable amount of time with actual bits of intrigue and characters you care about, then you’d best look elsewhere.