Vs.

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In the globalist/leftist/elitist bid to teach women that all bodies are good by pushing “body positivity” so that men are forced to lower their standards or drop out of the mating game altogether, I have to ask myself if I’m actually attracted to thicker/bigger/fatter women.  My penis, not the media, decides what I’m attracted to, so I decided to compare my best sexual experience with my absolute worst.

My best sexual experience is also debatable.  If we’re going by quality and uniqueness, then I’d say either my ex Melissa, who cheated on me with the Gwar singer backstage at the show at Harpos in ’04 (And, because Dave “Oderus Urungus” Brockie was possibly the least classy man in the entire punk/metal/whatever scene, he had the nerve to write a song about it!  Some of my friends try to deny me the glory, but I maintain to this day that the 2nd and 3rd verses of “The Ultimate Bohab” are at least partly about me, you jealous fux!) – man, if she used her brain like she uses her ass… – or Theresa, the white trash Marilyn Manson loving goth skank, who was 34 when we slept together in a hotel room after the Mastadon/Ghost/Opeth gig four years ago; she gave me probably the best blowjob I’d ever had.  Unlike most girls who don’t understand the concept of keeping a good rhythm or think that aggressively going up and down on the penis as if their mouths are lubed up vacuum cleaner tubes equals good oral sex, she managed to have the right combination of shaft pumping and tongue massaging until I felt myself erupt like a geyser after which, she jumped back after the first couple of squirts to admire her work, as each subsequent shot of semen fired out my urethra like bullets out of an AK-47.  Theresa was thin with a bit of curvature and some over the hill stomach flab.  I could have easily gone for another round of that, but the bitch ditched me the following week after inviting me out to Detroit’s gay goth dance club, Leland City Club.

But, I digress.  If we’re going by quantity, that is a man’s animal-like drive to want to fuck merely minutes after the previous session – sorry girls, the session ends when the guy blows his load, but most of you probably already knew that – then, I’d bestow that award onto Nikki, who would easily fall into the overweight category on the BMI chart.

We met on OKCupid, set up a date for a Friday, met and she definitely had a double chin regardless of how darn cute/pretty she was.  However, this didn’t bother at all when I saw what came with the double chin.  She dressed in the slutty rock ‘n’ roll attire, wrapping her dual basketball size ass in tight black leggings, wearing spike covered high heels and, in spite wearing a t-shirt, barely concealed her football size tits.  Plus she wore glasses and had a Canadian accent, so that was kinda cute as well.

After I got us duly wasted, I drove (real smart move, man) to a hotel and, while we were a bit drunk that night and only managed to get one fuck in, that morning was a marathon session.  I awoke naked next to this adorable person, who was curled up in a ball and also waking up, and while her enormous tits were staring at me, the first thing she said was, “I love waking up next to a horny boy.”  We did it over and over again, mainly dog style because I have the black man’s taste in big booty, and still had the double bonus of admiring her boobs from the side, which made me even more horny as I fiercely pumped away.  The fact that she had a little belly fat was not an issue, and to be perfectly honest, I prefer looser, flabby stomachs over tone ones.  I totally could have gone for another round of that as well.  It also didn’t hurt that she described the time she scissored with her roommate; that one still gives me wood when I mull it over in my brain.  Unfortunately that would be our only encounter because she didn’t like the idea of my not being legally able to drive into Windsor on account of my DUI (don’t drink and drive, kids).

So, does this alone make me a fan of fat women?  Do I have some secret fetish?  Am I secretly shilling for big brother and trying to convince guys that all women are attractive?

No, no and no!  I am NOT a fan of fat women.  I’m a fan of curvy, pear shaped women, whose genetics dictate that they have narrower shoulders, wider hips and their fat accumulates in the ass and thigh area.  Usually pear shaped women have smaller breasts, but Nikki just lucked out that the gods gave her such huge boobs.  Don’t ask me why I like looser stomachs; in proportion I find them cute and, personally I find them more feminine than overly toned stomachs.  Ladies, focus on the squats; you can do crunches, but not too many.  Oh, this also reminds me of why, in most cases, I’m for breast augmentation.  That means that, in the bidding war of genetics, women were given the pear shape and a smaller chest, which is fine.  I don’t like it the other way around where a girl is super top heavy and has no ass.

But, back to the point.  To prove my point that I don’t like fat women, I’m going to now tell about my worst sexual experience.  I was friends with a hickish beast named Jessica.  I hadn’t seen her in years, but we got to talking and messaging a lot.  Her FB pictures obscured the fact that she is possibly one of the least attractive women I have ever known; when she said she was “chubby”, I thought she meant a few pounds past curvy, but oooh no; she has an apple shape body, a type that absolutely cannot afford to let even a few pounds slip.  Her entire love life is a metaphor for political correctness; whenever there’s a problem, such as the black population’s failure to leave the ghettos, the left will find every reason imaginable except for the main one.  Similarly, when Jessica asks why all the skinny guys she likes “date” her for a day and then “disappear”, I just didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s because she looks like a blob set atop two drum sticks; I usually hem and haw before defaulting to the typical, “I don’t know, guys are weird.”

And I know what you’re going to say; “are you that stupid where you didn’t realize she wanted to start a romantic relationship with you?”  Well, I’m not, I just, once again, didn’t know how to politely back away.  So, in what I consider a purely selfless act, I bang her in a motel room (noting a pattern here?).  To a man, it was the most nauseating experience I’ve ever had with a woman.  She too has huge tits… and a huge belly and a huge pregnancy induced underbelly and narrow hips and no ass to balance any of this out.  I got on top of her, we fucked, but I didn’t cum at all.  She laid back with her eyes shut, resembling a grandma falling asleep in her reading chair, except that she had those huge boobs, which were no consolation for the horror beneath.  After we were “done”, she got up and, out of sheer, morbid curiosity I peaked at what I had just done.  Needless to say that, when she came back, I got up, went to the restroom and re-calibrated my brain by thinking of attractive women while jerking off.

Unlike the other guys that pumped and dumped her, we remained friends (until she unfriended me on FB for not being a Sanders supporter) and I even came back to Grand Rapids to meet up with her and see Weedeater.  I brought my sleazy friend Ian, and thankfully he took one for the team by fucking her while I was drunkenly passed out on the bed at the motel room we stayed at after the gig. Prior to this she got angry with me that I didn’t tell her I started seeing someone as if we were ever together.  She was still mad the next day!  I don’t get it!  She had two skinny guys give her a decent-ish roll in the hay within a two week period!  What else could she possibly want?

Anyway, the point of all this is to show that all this “body positivity” nonsense is a crock.  Rather than just teach women to be healthy, eat right and exercise, while, at the same time, maybe discuss how some men prefer different sizes within an acceptable range, rags like Huffington Post encourage obesity.  Rather than point out, as many scientific and health journals do, that, for each body type (pear, apple), there are different styles of eating, dressing and exercise to remain thin and healthy, they print nauseating articles that show skinny dudes with gross ass women and claim that “everyone is beautiful.”  Well, they’re not, so live with it.