Guess where I found this movie!  You got it!  It’s the other movie on the Something Weird DVD from which I watched Dracula (The Dirty Old Man)!  Like most Something Weird DVDs, the disc is loaded with cool stuff including 10 or so movie trailers, two short films and a gallery of exploitation art.  Before I get into discussing Laurence Merrick’s and Mario d’Alcala’s boring and shitty theatrically released home movie Guess What Happened to Count Dracula, I’ll briefly talk about the special features.

The trailers are awesome and, inevitably, make me want to check out Caged Virgins, Blood Suckers, The Body Beneath and a whole bunch more I can’t remember.  I’ve already seen H.G. Lewis’ A Taste of Blood, however.

The two short subjects were both pornographic home movies with vampire themes but were also pretty funny.  “Dracula and the Dirty Old Witch” begins with the vampire waking completely naked (except he’s wearing a cape) out of his coffin, stalking a girl who he kidnaps, taking her to his underground lair where he has other women chained up and attempting to make her his vampire bride.  Then the witch plays a joke on him, giving him brew that turns him gay, making him turn to a male prisoner and profess his love.  The male prisoner replies, “I’ve already got a husband.”  Har!  The other short subject, “Sex and the Single Vampire”, has a bit more blood related jokes, a bunch of couples fucking (which I think is real) before the vampire kidnaps all the men and sleeps with the women who are immediately turned on by his huge cock.  In the morning, with the women surrounding him in bed, he turns into a skeleton.  Double harr!!

I don’t need to say that much about the gallery of exploitation art except for what is that freakin’ song at the end???  It’s a cute, catchy 1950s rock ‘n’ roll song with a lady singing, “I love love love you, baby” and “I want your love but all I get is your money.”  Can someone help me track down this song and artist???

2014 update!!!  The artist in question is Betty Dickson and the song is “Shanty Tramp”, the theme for the film Shanty Tramp!!!  Triple harrr!!!

Guess What Happened to Count Dracula combine’s the Anton LaVey documentary Satanis: The Devil’s Mass with vampire themes, meaning it has the look and feel of that documentary with the cool, underground hippie cult dungeon and Satanic references but is also a narrative with a supernatural theme to it.  And I know I’m not full of crap when I say this because, in addition to mimicking the underground, cult-like feel of LaVey’s Church of Satan, the vampire also has a pet tiger; which, if you remember, LaVey adopted a baby lion that grew too big to take care of.

As evidenced by the “GP” rating, the movie is devoid of sex or violence.  It’s completely family friendly and not particularly compelling.  In fact, it’s down right boring.  The poster lists a bunch of quirky characters like “Imp”, “Hunch”, “Vamp” and “Runt” but they’re all entirely underused and just serve as set decorations.  The vampire either cages up the Imp or the Hunch, I forgot which, and all the Imp or Hunch does is make noise.  The Vamp just bares her teeth every now and then and that’s about it.  I remember the Runt being there too but I don’t remember him doing anything at all.

The story is about the generic, Dracula-like vampire, Count Adrian, kidnapping the girl and turning her into another vampire.  The good guy goes to stop it and a bunch of other useless crap happens.  If this was made by a competent director, then there might have been some suspense as the girl gets sicker, loses more blood and sees more teeth marks on her neck.  But, instead, it’s just tedium spiced with really lame jokes.  The worst of which is when the doctor, who’s office looks like a kitchen, talks to the nurse and they imply they’re going to “do it on the table”, before the doctor pulls out a chess board.  Also, upon seeing the vampire bites on the girls neck, the doctor more than once says, “tell your boyfriend to take it easy!”  Haha!  Because human teeth have the ability to put two conveniently spaced holes in a person’s neck, haha!

I mean, the ONLY redeeming quality about this film is that it looks like Satanis: The Devil’s Mass with its poorly lit, sepia tone and underground dungeon scenery.