(out of 5)

Cover albums are usually a terrible idea.  Bands might have a blast jamming their favorite songs but they should do the listener a favor and keep it strictly in the rehearsal room.  That is, of course, unless you’re the Melvins and actually do something unique with other artists’ creations.  It should come as no surprise even to the casual listener that the Melvins wouldn’t go the standard route and just do faithful renditions of songs everybody has already heard a whole bunch of times.

Furthermore the cast of characters involved with Everybody Loves Sausages should make people froth at the mouth and rush out to get the record – or at least listen to a free download.  Also the idea of a covers/collaborations album isn’t exactly new to the Melvins.  In 2000 the group did a similar project called The Crybaby.  And furthermore, even though Everybody Loves Sausages is considered an official Melvins release, it’s a pretty mix and match affair.  Aside from the aforementioned guest appearances, various songs feature different permutations of the group; both the duel drum version with Jared Warren and Cody Willis and the Melvins Lite version with Trevor Dunn on standup bass appear on the record at various points.  The only member who plays on all thirteen songs is Buzz Osbourne.  His “cover” of “Heathen Earth” by Throbbing Gristle is actually a solo piece he made up himself in which he plays all of the bleep-bloop noise machines and which actually isn’t a cover of “Heathen Earth” at all since the song “Heathen Earth”, as thought to be a Throbbing Gristle song, doesn’t exist and is actually Heathn Earth, an album.

Going into the record I was already familiar with nine of these thirteen songs.  Of the one’s I hadn’t heard, “Set It on Fire” is by Australian garage/punk band the Scientists.  Mark Arm’s lead vocals makes the song sound like Mudhoney, which is fine by me!  “Art School” by the Jam is done Oi! style with Tom Hazelmeyer of Halo Of Flies and AmRep fame joining Osbourne on a hilarious shouting match of “Oi, Oi!” while the two sing in thick British accents.  It sounds like standard punk fair but no worse for it.  It’s the other two that bug the shit out of me!  When I checked discogs for “Timothy Leary Lives” by Pop-O-Pies and “Romance” by Tales Of Terror, both are from long out of print albums, which fetch incredibly high prices and that sucks because both songs are good!  When Osbourne calls the Tales Of Terror record one of the best he’s ever heard by anybody ever, he might as well wave his dick in my face and say, “ha ha, you can’t touch this!”

As far as the rest of it goes, it’s going to be difficult to describe the record without describing each song individually.  I know this is a terrible way to write a review so please bare with me!  The album’s “WTF?!” tone is immediately established at the beginning of the album.  After Scott Kelly of Neurosis makes you want to drink Coor’s and smash beer cans against your head all day to the tune of “Warhead” by Venom, the Melvins do a faithful, sincere rendition of “My Best Friend” by Queen!  According to the liner notes, it’s supposed to make you go, “huh?” but I can just as easily assume it was Buzz’s and Dale’s honest admission of love for each other.  Who knows?  Then the album gets kinda shitty because they do “Black Betty”, a song I’ve always loathed with all my being!  I just can’t stand that “black betty bam balam” refrain!  Thankfully the Melvins make it halfway listenable by playing the coda Motorhead style.

Elsewhere we get “Attitude” by the Kinks which RULES!  It’s probably my favorite performance on here.  They don’t change it too much but you know how in the original the chorus slows down and only gets fast in the last refrain?  Well, in this version, it’s fast and punky the whole time!  So, it never stops kicking your ass!  It’s awesome!  “Female Trouble” is a neat little treat with Dunn’s standup bass and Osbourne singing “they say I’m a skank but I don’t care/go ahead and put me in your electric chair”!  “Carpe Diem” by the Fugs isn’t altered too much other than briefly heavying up the song during the “you can’t out think the angel of death” refrain.  Otherwise the band maintain the gorgeous melody of the original, making it my second favorite performance on the album.

And that leaves us with the two longest songs on the album.  Don’t get me wrong; I like “Station to Station” by Bowie and “In Every Dream Home a Heartache” by Roxy Music.  And the band do fine versions of them; the former is turned into a heavy, sludge thing before the funky part kicks in.  I wish J.G. “Clint Ruin Feotus” Thirlwell sang in his old sleazy style, not his new, high pitch, melodic style but oh well.  And, in the latter, Jello Biafra, with his unmistakable vibrato, helps maintain the original’s creepy vibe when telling the tale of a man’s love affair with a blowup doll.  The only problem is that, since most of the songs are relatively short, placing an 11 minute song and a 9 minute song at track five and track ten respectively tend to slow up the album’s otherwise brisk pace.

Someone might want me to mention that Blondie drummer Clem Burke, former Melvins and Cows bassist Kevin Rutmanis, Tweak Bird guitarist/singer Caleb Benjamin and longtime Melvins producer Toshi Kasai also appear on the album.  They do.