Terror Storm (1978)

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Yeah, I know the poster says Cyclone but I prefer the other title, Terror Storm, because, you know, it’s funnier.  We  have another would be masterpiece from Rene Cardona Jr., who, for some reason, does not know how to edit a movie to a reasonable length.  There is no reason why Terror Storm should be 118 minutes long.

My other beef with the movie is that there is too much humanity in it.  It’s a freakin’ Rene Cardona Jr. picture!  I’ve already seen Tintorera: Killer Shark and Guyana: Crime of the Century so I know this guy’s modus operandi so I don’t understand why they needed to have the touching scene where the woman has the baby and everyone takes turns holding it but hey…

Funny how Terror Storm has more to do with sharks than Tintorera: Killer Shark.  It also would have been a pretty standard disaster film like The Towering Inferno or The Poseidon Adventure but this is Rene Cardona Jr. and only recently he produced his father’s film Survive! about a group of people in the Andes forced to cannibalism.  So, why not make his own movie with cannibalism?

Basically a tropical cyclone causes a plane to crash and a ship to sink and, as a result, the survivors end up on a mid-sized boat that is touring some area in the tropics.  The survivors are forced to ration food and water and to deal with each other.  Among the passengers include Carol Baker who has a pet dog, Olga Carlotos (the girl from Zombie who gets the wood splint in her eye) as a pregnant woman, another Zombie cast member who I forgot, Lionel Stander (who was in a bunch of cool movies including Roman Polanski’s Cul De Sac) and Andreas Garcia (the brawny guy who looks like Elliott Gould and was also in Tintorera: Killer Shark).  Stuart Whitman is in it briefly as well but his role is pretty minimal.

Let’s see; at first people try to act civil to each other and then shit starts to get real.  They kill Caroll Baker’s dog and eat it, cut parts out of somebody to use as fish bait and eventually eat someone.  A couple people die and the Elliott Gould lookalike plays the clear-headed, rational guy who tries to keep everybody in line.  There’s a preacher, there’s a couple angry fishermen, there’s a little girl and there are a bunch of other stock people who are not really worth mentioning.

The best part is near the end where you think the passengers are saved and then the sharks start eating them.  I know I gave away a lot of what happens in this movie but you know damn well you don’t care about story or character development.  You just want to see crazy and sick shit occur.  And it does but just not often enough.  You have to wait long periods of time for stuff to happen.  At least when it does, it’s fairly graphic.  Again, though, Cardona Jr. could have edited this down and sped up the pace.

Tintorera: Killer Shark (1977)

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This is the second night in row that I’ve been mislead by a movie’s title and poster. And, incidentally, in both cases, the alleged blood and gore were replaced by copious amounts of nudity. Strangely, Tintorera: Killer Shark is the first film I’ve seen from Mexican director Rene Cardona Jr., who I otherwise wouldn’t know about except that I’m dying to see Guyana: Crime of the Century (and now Terror Storm and The Bermuda Triangle have piqued my interest as well).

But daaamn… it’s hard to fathom that a b movie about a killer shark could be 2 hours and 6 minutes long except for the fact that Jaws is two hours long and Tintorer: Killer Shark isn’t about a killer shark.

Okay, it sort of is since there is a killer shark in the movie. But most of this ridiculous film’s running time concerns two shark hunters played by Hugo Stiglitz and Andreas Garcia (who resembles Elliot Gould) and their attempt to shack up with as many women as possible.

Holy hell, this movie is so bad and stupid it’s surreal. There’s no beat or structure to it; there’s just scene after pointless scene in which people meet up in a cantina, beach or late night dance, bed together, have romantic montages in various locations – including a particularly pretty one atop some ancient pyramids – before something goes wrong and it starts over again.  Somewhere, in all of this, there is a plot about a killer shark – the kind that attacks you if you provoke it.  How this got marketed as a piggy-back off Jaws, I have no clue.

The shark kills exactly two people in the entire movie.  The first is a woman over whom the two main characters are pining after.  Neither character inquires about her disappearance.  She’s gone and that’s that and let’s move on to other women.  More than halfway through, they start a sex triangle with Susan George who must have been starved for work after her performance in the abominable Mandingo.  And this is where the movie gets a bit more interesting.  All of a sudden, there are copious amounts of homo-erotic insinuations including their “sharing” of George in one sex act – which is unfortunately not shown – to blatant closeups and point of view shots from our two characters which imply they might have a secret attraction to each other.

That’s how damn weird this movie; where is the shark, goddamit?  Eventually we get to a climax where one of the guys hunts the shark down to avenge the other (oh spoiler!) as if the shark killed the guy out of maliciousness because, ya know, sharks think like that.  Then, after that, it flashes back to Susan George and the two guys for some reason, as if to remind the audience of the love they once shared.  Wow.

Oh, and this movie isn’t exactly female friendly either.  All of the women are just sex-crazy and jump into bed the second they are asked.  The most creepy scene is when two thrill seeking women who have nothing to do with the plot get sexually assaulted atop an orange truck but, instead of being repulsed by the two ugly, overweight rapists, they unzip the old jeans and get busy; cuz ya know, being raped can be good time as long as it’s in a foreign country atop an orange truck.

Say!  That’s a unique coincidence, isn’t it?  Susan George has now been in two films where a woman who is being raped begins to enjoy the experience – the other is Straw Dogs where George is the woman in case you’re wondering.

What else is there to say about this film?  Nuttin’, it sucks but it’s weird so I guess watch it but be warned that it’s over two hours long and has almost nothing to do with the shark.

Also, I think the DVD we were watching was defective.  We wanted English dubbing because acting is negligible for this type of movie. So they’re talking in English.  Then they’re talking in Spanish so I thought those are just minor parts that we don’t need to understand.  Then, after they started talking in Spanish for long periods of time, I put on the sub-titles so I’d understand it and turns out they were saying things that were relevant to the plot.  Then they would switch back to English – sometimes in the same conversation – and the subtitles for the English parts would be in Spanish!  If you happen to stumble upon this review and have seen this movie on DVD, can you tell me if you’ve experienced the same thing?