I Advocate AlleGORical Violence Against CNN

cnn_must_be_destroyedKnown alternately as the Corporate News Network, the Communist News Network and the Clinton News Network, CNN, a channel that less inquisitive minds have decided is the “centrist” and “balanced” news channel between a right wing Fox and a left wing MSNBC, committed what can only be described as an act of terrorism and intimidation.

The story goes something like this; a 15 year old kid created a gif – for you non-tech savvy Luddites, a gif is a constantly moving image loop thingy that resembles a short film that lasts for a couple of seconds before looping again – that was pulled from a brief clip of Donald Trump’s appearance on a World Wrestling Federation event from a decade ago. In the gif, the Donald and some other wrestler get into it in true, funny ‘n’ fake wrastlin’ fashion. In fact here is the gif.

donald_trump_wresting_gif.gif

Pretty funny, eh? So funny, in fact, that Donald Trump re-tweeted it. Well, apparently CNN didn’t think so. They were so butthurt by the tweet that they decided to find the kid who made the gif, contact him and threaten to dox him. Don’t believe me? They blatantly say so themselves.

CNN is not publishing “HanA**holeSolo’s” name because he is a private citizen who has issued an extensive statement of apology, showed his remorse by saying he has taken down all his offending posts, and because he said he is not going to repeat this ugly behavior on social media again. In addition, he said his statement could serve as an example to others not to do the same.

CNN reserves the right to publish his identity should any of that change.

That’s right; CNN bullied a 15 year old kid into making a public apology for a gif in which Donald Trump pulls a phony wrestling move against a phony opponent in the most well known form of phony sports entertainment. Their reason?

The Committee to Protect Journalists said in a statement this week that the tweet “undermines the work of the media in the U.S. and makes it more dangerous.” CNN said in a statement that the tweet “encourages violence against reporters.”

Their claim is that he advocated violence against the press. First of all, as I JUST SAID, the kid used pro-wrestling, a phony form of violence, the kind where nobody ACTUALLY gets hurt, to make his point. In fact people get much more seriously hurt in professional American football games. I wonder if they would have thought he was advocating violence if Donald Trump was dressed in football gear and tackled a player from an opposing team. But secondly, and more importantly, it was a form of SATIRE and ALLEGORY. He didn’t LITERALLY want Donald Trump to pummel members of the press.

I know the mainstream media is full of leftist retards, but surely THEY understand the concept of allegory. I mean, when I was 12 years old, listening to the Corrosion of Conformity song “Dance of the Dead”, where the singer goes, “if the system had one neck, you know I’d gladly break it”, I knew even THEN that he wasn’t advocating breaking the necks of ACTUAL PEOPLE.

But who knows? Maybe they ARE that stupid. So, I decided to find out by doing a little experiment that I hope will turn into a popular hashtag. I’ve decided to find violent imagery from various horror movies, real crime photos and whatnot, slap the CNN logo onto it, post it all over Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and Instagram (actually I don’t have a Reddit or Instagram account, but I know many other people who do) and see what happens. The image at the very top was pulled off of the cover from the 1992 Gwar LP, America Must Be Destroyed. Now, Gwar have had their own problems with censorship in the 90s, where they were charged with obscenity in their hometown of Richmond, VA during one of their shows, so I wonder how they feel about the CNN incident.

Are they full-on advocates of free speech, or do they only believe in free speech when attacking “acceptable” targets like Republicans, the Christian right and the Catholic church? I mean, I already know how they feel about Donald Trump (hint: they hate him), but would they be so bold as to do one of these?

gwar-comic-CNN

Who knows? What I do know is that, if CNN feels that a gif of Trump body slamming someone in the phoniest sport of all time is advocating violence against the press, then they’ll have a field day when they see their logo slapped onto images such as this:

trump_cnn_true_crime
or this…
cannibal_ferox_castration_CNN
or this…
dawn-of-the-dead-1978-machete_CNN
or, heck, why not this…
two-thousand-maniacs-CNN

I bet you can come up with something way better in Photoshop or Microsoft Paint. But either way, the point of this little exercise is to be as gruesome, tasteless and violent as possible. After all this IS a form of alleGORY. And make sure to attach the hashtag #destroyCNN whenever you post your demented creations online because CNN is the enemy of free speech, and it must be destroyed.

I Trolled the L.A. Times Today.

I trolled the L.A. Times while I was at work today.  Apparently claiming that Dylann Roof should be set free so he can feel shame and guilt for what he did, rather than putting him behind bars where he will be turned into a martyr for the racist cause and have his views shaped by the penal system, is not a view very many people share whether they are left, right or center.

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And finally, when the joke got old, I brought it home, realizing how my idea probably wouldn’t work.

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Dude, I’m Not Racist, I Have Bl… Aww, Fuck You.

racist_bingoI’m not racist.  No seriously.  When I’m driving, and I get cut off, the first thing I say is, “you fucking asshole, arrghgh, I hope you get colon, lung and skin cancer!!!”.  Then, when I see who the driver is, and he/she/it happens to be black, I go, “yeah, you’re STILL a fucking asshole!!!”  What difference does it make to me what your race is if you cut me off?  As far as I’m concerned, there are assholes in every croooww—-

People on the Alt-Right will read this and say, “what a cuck, trying to appeal to blacks when he knows that blacks hate white people, and he’s a Jew, so he really has an ulterior agenda!”  But the fact is that, in my 32 years of existence, not a single black person has made me feel the intense, virulent hatred that some white people have.  Nope, not a single one.  I’ve had my car stolen twice, and I’m going to assume it was by black people, and I think the people who did it are shit stains on society, and I would have loved to put a slug in their chests, but it wasn’t personal.  They’re just lowlife pieces of human trash.

We’ve come to the point where people on the left are sooo fucking obsessed with race that, in spite the 1964 Civil Rights act, the 1973 affirmative action quotas, the fact that blacks can get into universities with lower SAT scores than whites and Asians and the fact that black crime is never reported by the mainstream media in an honest way, apparently, somewhere deep in the annals of American society lies the deep seeded cancer of racism that, no matter how many provisions are given, will never be expunged.

By most people’s standards, I’m white, and that means I’ve got some sort of “privilege.”  Did I come from a nice, upper middle class background?  Absolutely.  Do I have more opportunities than people who come from the ghettos OR meth infested trailer parks?  Well, duh.  Do American employers consider me over Darnell-Tyrone Jackson III for a mediocre data entry position?  Give me a FUCKING break.

Lauren Southern, the hot, Aryan commentator at Rebel Media posted “white racist bingo” on her FB wall, along with the comment, “:::shrug::: these all seem reasonable to me.”  Why?  Because they ARE.

So now, white people of America, I shall absolve you of all your guilt by explaining each of the bingo squares for the purpose of turning  “Casually Racist Whites Bingo” into “Normal Statements That Make Sense Bingo.”

“I’m not racist I’m 3.837% black”

The idea here, so they say, is that, if you have some black blood in your genetic heritage, you feel you have the right to say anything you want about black people without reserve.  Of course, you ARE part black, but I guess you’re not black ENOUGH to call someone who is MORE black than you a “nigger”… er sorry, I meant “nigga.”

“#alllivesmatter”

First of all, NOT all lives matter.  Does the life of a child molester matter?  What about the life of Charles Manson?  Secondly the idea behind this hashtag is that, in response to #blacklivesmatter, a few well-meaning, but too old to “get it” conservatives responded by saying that we’re ALL in this rat race together.  The #blacklivesmatter protesters responded by saying, “you’re just deflecting from the REAL problem, man!  Blacks are getting killed in the streets by cops, and you don’t see it as a problem!”  Well, it is a problem, and it could easily be solved; just stop committing crimes, and you won’t be hassled by the man, man!  Okay, I get it.  There are cops who like to fuck with people.  But just look at the numbers.  Cops kill more whites than they do blacks.  When cops stopped patrolling in the Baltimore, the murder rate between the black gangs skyrocketed.  Oh, and Milwaukee.  So, to all the #blacklivesmatter activists out there: all lives do not matter, but you can sure try to help your community prove otherwise.

“brings up black on black crime”

I personally don’t care about black on black crime because I don’t live in areas where there is much of it, but maybe black people SHOULD, since little kids get caught in the crossfire, and y’all iz killing off your own people.  Just a thought.

“white people were slaves, too!”

Well, they were.  So, what makes blacks so special in this regard?  The Japanese were tossed into internment during World War II and somehow survived the ordeal and now dominate the tech field, so what’s your problem?

“reverse racism”

Bleh…

“doesn’t ‘see race'”

Oh, I fucking see it!  But, I’m not the one constantly reminding everyone about it 24 hours a day.  ‘sides, how can I not see race when I have a hard-on for Asian women, specifically Korean women?

“i was bullied for being white”

Hmm, let’s see; we allow blacks to take isolated incidents and turn them into national stories, but white kids who live in black neighborhoods are supposed to be “understanding” of why they’re being put through their ordeal.  Fortunately my parents moved out of the predominantly black Southfield, so I never experienced this.

“confederate flag”

Yeah, we took it down from every building, so racism is officially over, right?  No, but seriously, it’s not a racist symbol; people just want to think of it that way, in spite it representing po’ white trash from the South, rather than the slave masters.  But, in our politically correct climate, Dukes of Hazard was cancelled, and amazon.com won’t sell the flag anymore.  And guess what; they’re STILL not happy.  Some guy has now claimed that the “don’t tread on me” flag is racist.  You know what’s not racist?  The swastika.  It’s an Indian peace symbol.  We need to bring it back.

“quotes MLK out of context”

What context should I quote him in?  I personally don’t remember a single line King has said other than “I have a dream”, so if I to quote that, I guess it would be out of context, since I don’t think King had a dream about hunting for gold during the gold rush only to have the western imagery fade away, and reveal itself to be a hologram created by a simulator machine.  So, if he did have this dream, then I suppose I’m quoting him in context.

“slavery is over”

Well, it IS.  So, what’s the problem?  I get it; slavery is over, but apparently subtle forms of discrimination are still going on.  And it won’t stop because we’re guilty… and our children are guilty… and our children’s children are guilty… and they always will be, so stop pretending, you racist.

“brings up affirmative action”

What?  Just out of the blue?  Like while we’re watching a football game?  “Say, Chuck, have you heard about that affirmative action?  I hear it’s the worst!  I hope my children never come down with it!”  Actually, it IS bad, and it’s the reason why standards have gone down.  I mean, if people can’t pass certain exams, but you have to have quotas of those people in certain professions, then I guess you’ll just have to make the tests to get into those professions easier, won’t you?  I mean, if we don’t have an equal distribution of a certain demographic, then clearly we’re discriminating against that demographic.  Oh well, it’s not my house that’s burning down.

“has ‘dreadlocks’ or defends white dreads”

Good call; only gross, smelly people have dreadlocks.

“FREE”

The amount with which certain people want to live in certain parts of the country while other people pay for it.

“i’m not racist, i have black friends”

I’ve never understood why this was such an issue.  If you ARE racist or hold some sort of grudge towards black people, why WOULD you have black friends?  I can give a myriad of reasons, such as “access to crack or hookers”, but I’m not going to because no black person I know has access to those things.  Well, my dreadlock wearing, Zeppelin loving friend Jeff is the guy I did blow with from time to time.

“you’re not helping your cause by being hostile”

I completely disagree with this one.  It’s pretty much been determined that every problem ever has been solved through hostility.  The worse the problem is, the more hostile you need to become.  And drunk.  That always helps.

“so black people can use the n-word but I can’t”

Which “n-word” are we talking about?  Nerd? Nazi? Necropolis? Napoleon?  Sheeyit, nigga, it’s not that I’m afraid of using it; it’s that I’m afraid of using it in front of people who will sock me in the mouth.  Incidentally, I don’t know why blacks would want to use that word since it’s not even a real word, but a phonetic pronunciation of “nigger”, and I don’t know any blacks who go, “Hi, nigger, how are you?”  If there are, let me know!

“i don’t have white privilege, i’m poor”

Dr. Dre, who is worth $500,000,000, is more downtrodden than a poor and starving white person.  He just is; don’t ask why.

“invalidates POC anger”

Still can’t help but think POC stands for “piece of crap.”  I SHOULDN’T think that, but I do.  That’s why I just stick to the colloquial of “black.”

“oh but if there was a white history month it would be racist”

We’ll just honor the accomplishments of white people in other ways; ya know, by using all of the inventions they’ve given to society.  Hey, I often don’t take credit for stuff I do either because, ya know.

“not ALL white people”

Not all white people what?  Watch television?  Listen to Metallica?  Take black dicks up the ass?

“fucking sjws”

Yeah, fuck ’em.  They’re annoying.  They’re the reason why college has been reduced to a joke and why every millennial crybaby, who claims to be part of an oppressed group, needs a “safe space.”

“we’re all one race the human race! uwu”

I SUPPOSE if it eats, breathes, shit, walks on two legs and stands upright it belongs to the human race, but this whole “one race” thing is defined rather loosely.  I really wish I wasn’t part of the same race as, I dunno… you fill in someone who is totally lame, but make sure it isn’t a black person so nobody gets the wrong idea.

“white people are discriminated against, too”

Hey, I want to be part of the NBA, but my 5’7″ height prevents it.  Do YOU want to watch basketball with 6′ high baskets?  Didn’t think so.

“brings up discrimination against Irish people”

So, it’s not enough to mention that white people as a whole don’t deserve to have their history of discrimination recognized.  Now you have to mention that the subjugation of a specific group of whites all of a sudden doesn’t count?  Is that because of Ann Sterzinger’s shitty dating past?  Well SORRY, but even she realizes that there are good Irish people.  Or maybe she doesn’t.  Goddamn potato scarfing, alcoholic bastards.

“learn to take a joke”

Okay, I get it; if your friend Clarissa runs to you after she had just been gang raped by a group of Chinese Jews (NOT by blacks, you racist!!!), and you say, “hey, Clarissa, did you hear the joke about the girl named Clarissa who was just gang raped by a group of Chinese Jews?!” and then follow that up with, “what? Learn to take a joke!”, you might be an asshole.  But, in probably most other cases, especially those that aren’t grounded in anything personal, learn to take a joke, faggot.

Now go home and listen to Chuck Berry, Jimi Hendrix, Thin Lizzy, Living Colour, Body Count and Bad Brains at the same time while watching re-runs of Sanford & Son.

 

The SavageHippie Guide to Good Trolling

20160814_141814There comes a time in your life when you have to admit the undeniable truth to yourself; I’m a troll, and I really like being a troll because trolling idiots is funny!  Now, I can’t say I’m the BEST troll because, unlike a certain Eugene Nix, who you can read about here, and to whom you can listen to David Cole, Ann Sterzinger and I talk to on our podcast here, I don’t have the planning or wherewithal to pull the caper he did.  However, what I do have, like Eugene Nix, is the ability spot the cliches, use them against people and cause these people to have a visceral reaction.  And that is fuckin’ funny.  I’m more of a real life troll, the guy who gets punched in the face when my use of absurdity is misinterpreted by people with no sense of humor.  And I admit that I TOO have been caught in this trap.

But, before we get to all that, let’s define precisely what a troll is and why a troll exists.  Being a Luddite – having found out what rickrolling is when I was rickrolled by phony balloney “libertarian” Julie Borrowsky, of all people – I came to this internet culture way late in life, so the things that I had been doing IN real life have become manifest all over the interwebs, where it seems the entire Western world spends its life even WHEN they’re out exploring the world.  Again, I just bought my first smart phone so I am learning how addicting going on the internet can be even when in public among friends and thinking that showing other people pictures of the band you’re watching or whatever cool knick knack you found fulfills a certain desire, satisfies a certain need.  I call it narcissism, and anyone who claims that they don’t have a little of it is lying.

So, anyway, in real life, I found it amusing to say over the top or odd stuff just to get a reaction.  Only later did I learn that this was “trolling.”  The major thing about saying things to get a reaction is that you need other people around who understand what you’re doing, to understand that you’re putting on a show.  But, on top of that, you’re also putting the “victim” of your charade to a test.  Is that person smart enough to “get it”?  Can you tell by that person’s reaction that he or she knows you’re kidding?  Like I said, I’ve been on the receiving end and later disappointed that I wasn’t in on the joke at the time of it happening.

For instance, when I was 16, some guy I didn’t know came up to me at a record store in a mall and asked me, “can I fuck you in the ass?”  I did a double take and kinda, trying to play cool, said something like, “um, errr, well, I don’t do that dude, but good luck…” only to have Jared fucking Yellin walk up after and say, “hey this is my friend…”  I was so disappointed by how easily I was taken in when it should have been obvious how absurd the situation was.  Maybe if we were at Fire Island, just asking a random person if you can fuck that person in the ass might seem like a normal thing to do, but, even IF this guy was trying to suss out another fag, he would most likely have a more subtle way of doing it.  In other words, I got punked!  If I HAD been more perceptive, I would have said something along the lines of “sorry, only pitcher, not catcher.”

How good you are at trolling is contingent on a few key factors.  One of them is your victim.  As funny as I found Borat to be, one can’t deny that Sasha Baren Cohen’s targets in that movie weren’t exactly positioned very high.  Yes, his trolling was effective, but let’s face it; it was cheap and obvious.  It was elite America laughing at dumb rednecks and conservative politicians.  And, to keep with the politically correct narrative, the couple of experiences with blacks in that movie resulted in him being the butt of the joke, rather than them.

On the other hand, one of my recent FB status updates, is an example of good trolling.  The only problem I see with it is that I wasted it by putting it on my FB wall, where it garnered a few laughs from some friends, while confusing others, rather than placing it in the comments section for NPR, New York Times or Huffington Post.  In attempting to laugh at the left, I had inadvertently punked my friends Scott V. and Joseph C., who actually thought they “lost another one.”  Like with the previous “can I fuck you in the ass” incident, we all get punked.  Here is what I wrote:

So sick of people and their “cause” and “effect.” Trump needs to apologize to Clinton and Obama for saying they started ISIS. ISIS just happened, okay? Just like the Nazis, every few years enemies just appear. Nobody knows from where, and really, it’s not important. They just do. What interest would Clinton and Obama have in starting ISIS? ISIS kill people, and why would our secretary of state want that? Donald Trump and ISIS are bad for the real heroes of this story, the Muslims, and I mean the real Muslims, not the violent radicals.

Now let’s break this down.  The opening sentence is so fundamentally absurd that anyone with half a brain – barring of course Scott V. and Joseph C., who have fully functioning and intelligent brains, but were just caught off guard – would see that as a dead giveaway.  I put the words “cause” and “effect” in ironic quotes to imply that those things need not be considered and that only idiots would pay attention to cause and effect.  At that point, the brain should be thinking, “haha, very funny, asshole.”

But the onslaught doesn’t end there.  I say Trump needs to apologize to Clinton and Obama for saying they started ISIS.  Most informed people realize that Clinton and Obama had something to do with starting ISIS, even if indirectly – ya know, that Iraq war thing.  So why would he need to apologize?  The only people who complained about Trump’s statements are idiot leftists who didn’t think for a second that Trump didn’t mean they literally were the heads of ISIS.  THEN, I turn up the absurdity to 11 with my statement about how “Just like the Nazis, every few years enemies just appear. Nobody knows from where, and really, it’s not important. They just do.”  REALLY?  They just do?  Like magic?  Again, should be a dead giveaway.

And then I ask, “What interest would Clinton and Obama have in starting ISIS? ISIS kill people, and why would our secretary of state want that?”  This is after Benghazi and after Clinton has been accused of being a sociopath, so again, this post is unrelenting in its obvious stupidity.

And then finally I say, “Donald Trump and ISIS are bad for the real heroes of this story, the Muslims, and I mean the real Muslims, not the violent radicals.”  Anybody who knows me knows that I’m no fan of Islam and that I think there is a pathology in the Muslim community, which allows them to tacitly approve terrorism while impeding any attempt to stop it by calling investigations and tougher measures “discrimination.”  There is no fathomable way the Muslims are the heroes of this or any narrative.

So, there you go; a perfect 10 in terms of trolling, something befitting the comment section at Huffington Post or New York Times, where anyone who agrees becomes a target for ridicule in my sick show.  Similarly, it functions well at a conservative blog; if someone gets the joke, that person might chime in with equally ridiculous and hyperbolic statements.  If someone does not, that person might angrily react, or as Joseph C. posted under the comment:

trolling4

The bottom line is that, to be a good troll, your post has to be able to be taken seriously by the truly stupid, seen as a joke by the intelligent and, on occasion, cause confusion among people who should know better but were caught off guard.

 

Jew to Jew: Edwin the Drunk Interviews Ben the Pious

ed_vs_ben

Note: This interview with Ben Shapiro actually took place and not a single word was edited out.

Edwin the Drunk: Hi Ben, welcome to Jew to Jew on SavageHippie TV, how’s it goin’, bud?

Ben the Pious: Oh, it’s great.  Pleasure to be here–

ETD: SORRY if I’m a bit wasted and tweaky, just popped an Aderall.  Ever done Aderall, Ben?

BTP: Heh, no, but I have been known to get a bit RANDY on Manishewitz on a Shabbos evening from time to time, heh heh.

(awkward silence)

ETD: So, how about them facts not caring about your feelings, eh?

BTP: Oh, yeah, I’m 100% fact, 0% feeling.  Fact ALL THE AWAY!  Not PC AT ALL!  ALL FACT, NO FEELING!

ETD: Well, that’s good know!  Word on the street is that you’re not too hip on Donald Trump.  Why’s that?

BTP: Man isn’t conservative, Ed.  He wants to take an EVEN stance on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict.  CRAZY, I TELL YOU!

ETD: Uhhh…

BTP: CRAZY!  You know what he MEANS by “EVEN”, don’t you?

ETD: Buhh….

BTP: GOD, err, Hashem, err Moses…

ETD: Don’t take the lord’s name in veii–

BTP: IT MEANS GAS THE KIKES, ED!!!  GOD, AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEES THAT??!!

ETD: Mmm, that’s not exactly the impression I got from that… say, so we’re the same age, both part of the hooknose usury cabal…

BTP: Ed, that’s not funny.

ETD: Well, now you got me thinking, are you a Jew by blood or religion?  You said that being Jewish isn’t about remembering the Holocaust. Then what is it?

BTP: I’m religious, Ed.  DON’T YOU SEE MY YARMULKE?!  ON MY HEAD?!  (points to head) I’M AN ORTHODOX JEW, AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT!!!

ETD: Oh, my bad… yeah, my folks came here from the Soviet Union back in ’74.  We’re not too religious though, but I’ve got that Ashkenazi blood–

BTP: ORTHODOX JEW!!! YARMULKE!!!

ETD: Right, got it… so like, Pam Geller supports Trump now–

BPT: I love that fine, 60 year old vixen, but she DOES NOT GET IT!!! “EVEN HANDED POLICY”?!

ETD: Don’t you think it’s good that Donald Trump doesn’t want to let 10,000 Syrians, or any Muslims into the country for that matter?  Last time I checked Muslims hate Jews and you would think–

BTP: Yahweh, Ed, don’t you know who Trump’s followers are?!

ETD: Well, I am and Pam Geller is–

BTP: Ugh, did you see the tweets that I got?!  LOOK AT THE F’N TWEETS I GOT, ED!!!

ETD: Oh yeah, that’s not very kind.  Well, ya know, trolls–

BTP: TROLLS?! MAYBE IF MILO WASN’T ALWAYS TAKING IT UP THE ASS, HE’D SEE THAT WE HAVE THE FUCKING FOURTH REICH ON OUR DOORSTEP!!!

ETD: I dunno, Ben.  I think you’re being a little dramatic–

BTP: Alternative Right are a bunch of neo-Nazi thugs, and I can’t believe that you don’t see how they’re trying to put me in an oven!

ETD: Uh, last time I checked Jared Taylor, Andy Nowicki and John Derbyshire don’t have too much of a problem with us yids.  Ya know, there was a time when I got Richard Spencer and Robert Spencer mixed up!  Can you believe that?  One guy looks like an ogre, and the other guy looks Carrey Grr–

BTP: YEAH!  That’s what they WANT you to think!  Have you talked to any of those creeps?!

ETD: Yeah, they’re not too bad, although Taki Theoshapalappadingdong or whatever the fuck his name is isn’t too fond of us.  I mean, I can’t say I blame him–

BTP: WHAT?!  What are you, a self hating Jew or something?!

ETD: Oh, no, but you gotta at least admit that some of “the tribe” were involved in the Frankfurt School, which is basically the reason we’re in this PC mess… I mean, facts don’t care about your feel–

BTP: It has NOTHING to do with being Jewish–

ETD: Well, I mean, the Mafia had nothing to do with being Sicilian, but they were still all–

BTP: Look, Ed, I didn’t come here to hear this antisemitic garbage.  If you wanna ask me a real question, then ask me a real fuschluggina question, or I’m gonna plotz!

ETD: All right, all right, what do you think of the new Schindler’s List Nintendo game?

BTP: What?!

ETD: Yeah, it’s kinda like how they adapted Platoon to Nintendo, ya know, action adventure shoot ’em up… it’s kinda like Mario Bros., but instead of Princess Toadstool, you save a girl in a red dress in every level.  Capcom put it out–

BTP: That’s f’n sick, man.  I’m gonna contact every news program I know and tell them about this tasteless and disgusting–

ETD: All right, you got me, I was kidding.

BTP: Man, Ed, you had me going for a minute.  You’re good, man.

ETD: Heh, so, what do you think of the Rugrats Hanukkah special?

BTP: Never heard of it; I used to watch TV, but then I realized it was a bunch of liberal propaganda.

ETD: Oh yeah, I read your book about that.  It was pretty good, except for all those faggy shows you talk about, except for Three’s Company.  John Ritter is THE MAN!!!

BTP: Ed, are you going to ask me a real question because I have Shabbos dinner in a couple hours, and I gotta get ready for that.

ETD:  So, what do you think about what David Cole said about you in his book?

BTP: DAVID COLE??!! THAT HOLOCAUST DENYING PIECE OF SLIME??!!  YEAH, HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO STEIN!!! ANYBODY WHO DENIES THE HOLOCAUST LIKE HIM DOESN’T DESERVE THE NAME STEIN!!!

ETD: Uh, well, he wasn’t really denying the Holocaust, I mean, he says it happened.  He just wanted to revise a few of the well-accepted elements of it, I mean, he says there were only four gas chambers instead of six–

BTP: OH, FOR THE LOVE YAHWEH, DON’T TELL ME YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THAT SELF-HATING, HOLOCAUST DENYING PIECE OF GARBAGE!!!

ETD: Uh, yeah, I think he’s pretty cool, I mean, I did find it funny when Pam Geller called him an asshat, something I wouldn’t expect a woman pushing 60 to say–

BTP: WHY ARE WE DISCUSSING THAT HOLOCAUST DENYING SLIME??!!

ETD: Uh, actually, I think he’s an Israel supporter, so–

BTP: LOOK, ED, DO YOU WANT ME TO WALK OFF THIS SHOW?!  I APPRECIATE THE BAGEL AND LOX BACKSTAGE, BUT I DID NOT COME HERE TO DISCUSS SELF HATING HOLOCAUST DENIERS.  I’M GLAD THAT RED HEAD RATTED ON HIM.  ALL HOLOCAUST DENYING SLIME SHOULD BE CENSORED AND OSTRACIZED.  I MEAN, YOU SAY YOU’RE JEWISH.  HOW COULD YOU SUPPORT SUCH SLIME?

ETD: Well, I mean, people say the Civil War was more about economics than slavery, and can you tell me how many people were killed in the Armenian genocide–

BTP: SIX MILLION JEWS, ED!!! SIX MILLION JEWS!!!

ETD: Well, other people were killed during the Holocaust, like gays and Gypsies-

BTP: SIX MILLION JEWS, ED!!!

ETD: Oh, right, my bad.

BTP: ISRAEL ISRAEL ISRAEL!!!

ETD: Uh, yeah, good place!  I went there on Birthright five years ago, rode a camel, hung out in Bedouin tent – but man, the girls were such skanks!  All going and cheating on their boyfriends.  I tell you, if my girlfriend said she was going on a trip overseas and didn’t have me come with her–

BTP: ISRAEL ISRAEL ISRAEL!!!

ETD: Uh, yeah, I like that place.  Ya know, someone at the Taki’s site got all Jew hatin’ on me and told me to get my ass packing out of the U.S. and go to Israel–

BTP: SEE?! A BUNCH OF F’N NEO-NAZIS!!!  I keep trying to tell Nero when he’s not getting plowed up the ass that first they came for–

ETD: Eh, I didn’t take it that personally.  I mean, at least he wasn’t telling me the place belongs to the Palestinians.  There are definitely worse places to be deported to.  I mean, they hold this awesome, annual metal festival, and Ross the Boss Friedman from the Dictators and Manowar always plays it.  Which one of Ross’ bands do you like more; Dictators or Manowar?

BTP: Heh, I dunno, Ed, I’m more of a Beatles/Rolling Stones kinda guy, ya know?  But, mainly I just listen Schlock Rock with my kids, if you know what I mean…

ETD: Er, nooope…

BTP: Were you Bar Mitzvahed, Ed?

ETD: Uh, yeah, it was pretty cool!  I was stoned outta my mind when I read the Torah, kinda like that kid in A Serious Man

BTP: Ugh, I HATE the Coen brothers.  Couple of self hating Jews!  They can’t even spell COHEN the right way.  Hey Joel and Ethan, it’s C-O-H-E-N… I swear to Yahweh… now, SPIELBERG is a director I can get behind!

ETD: Eh, I guess Jaws and Close Encounters were all right…

BTP: Schindler’s List is the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.  It is the most honest and truthful portrayal of the Holocaust ever put to film.  I thought I was watching a documentary.

ETD: Uh, right… I thought the scene in Amistad where slaves revolt on the ship and kill all the people was pretty cool… so, what’s your favorite Mel Brooks film–

BTP: I don’t watch films by self-hating Jews.  THE INQUISITION IS NOTHING TO LAUGH AT!!! HOW DARE HE!!!  He might as well call himself Mel Gibson.

ETD: So, did you really think it was necessary to resign from Breitbart?

BTP: Ugghhh, Ed, I don’t want to go into it.  If you saw the video, I think it’s pretty darn clear that Michelle Fields was sexually assaulted and gang raped, and all Breitbart did was stand by and laugh at her.

ETD: Uh, didn’t the guy just nudge her aside because she was in his way?  I do that all the time when I go to a bar and it’s really crowd–

BTP: THEN YOU’RE A SEXUAL ASSAULT APOLOGIST!!!  Look, Ed, I gotta wrap this up.

ETD: Do you own a gun, Ben?

BTP: Yeah, certainly!  Pro 2nd amendment, baby!

ETD: Wanna go shooting some time?

BTP: Sure, but not on Shabbos!

ETD & BTP both break down laughing.

ETD: All right, cheers, brother.

BTP: Thanks, Ed!

 

 

An Open Letter to Bernie Supporters

bernie_pictureTo all my bearded, bespectacled, self-righteous, politically charged, but not actually politically knowledgeable, easily-triggered, history re-writing, safe space wanting, 99.99999999% Caucasian friends and to the couple of misinformed union members, who actually have jobs, Bernie ain’t gettin’ in.  That’s right, I’m sorry, but your pipe dreams of living in a Eurotopia, where the rich are taxed until they are no longer rich, where you get to live in a one room flat while working 20 hours a week and then get to spend the rest of your free time drinking craft beers, biking around and chasing after HPV afflicted hoes, just ain’t comin’ true; at least not in this election cycle.

You see, while you march around in your sandbox, playing your pan flute and thinking that, for some odd reason, Americans want half their paycheck taken from them and given to people who don’t work, the big boys are fighting to make sure Hillary Clinton doesn’t get into the White House.

And don’t get me wrong; I think Sanders supporters are some of the most fun and hilarious people in the world, especially when they cry foul that the blacks overwhelmingly supported Hillary Clinton instead of Sanders.  Not the Bloc Party singer, but like real blacks.  Sorry to all the white college students, whose pro-abortion, pro-feminist, pro-gay, pro-tranny views are in complete discord with the po’ black folk of Detroit, Baltimore and Chicago, but they just ain’t ready for the first Jewish president.

So, where do you go from here?  I would assume that, if Sanders, the Jewish mad scientist from Vermont (birth place of GG Allin!), doesn’t get in, you’re going to stay home and cry into your craft beer, right?  Because there’s no way you’d bite the bullet and vote for the lesser of two evils.  But, if you do decide to swallow your pride and go to the voting booth, I’ve got another suggestion…

To a man, I’m not fucking kidding, EVER SINGLE TIME I tell someone who wasn’t previously aware that I’m voting for the Donald, that person reacts as if his girlfriend just told him that she’s been knocked up.  I’m not exaggerating.  All three people I’ve told that I both voted for Donald in the primary and that I plan on voting for him if he gets the nomination react in such a harsh, disproportionate fashion, that you would think they just got a phone call telling them that their parents were killed in a car crash.

And the question I have for them is, “why?”  What do you have against Donald Trump?  I simply DO NOT get it.  You say you’re sick of the same ol’, same ol’ with politics.  You say you’re sick of the neoconservatives sending soldiers overseas to fight in the Middle East.  You say you’re sick of trade agreements which resulted in American jobs being sent overseas.  You say you’re sick of career politicians who are funded by corporations and lobbyists.  You say you’re sick of politicians who just sound like they’re reading off of cue cards.

Be honest: you don’t really know why Donald Trump gets under your skin, do you?  You say he’s racist.  Is that because he said he wants to ban all Muslims?  Well, Islam isn’t a race and, if you hold true to the so called liberal principles you hold dear, then it would stand to reason that Muslims are probably the last group of people you would want to import into the country if Sweden is any indication.

Or is it the fact that he called some ILLEGAL immigrants rapists and murderers?  I emphasized the word “some” and “illegal” just so you don’t get any funny ideas that Donald Trump is trying to ban Mexicans from the U.S., which is something he never said.  It’s not his fault that the illegal immigrants are coming over from Mexico instead of Poland or Slovenia.  Why do you want illegal immigrants in the United States in the first place?  To do the jobs that you don’t want to do?  Why don’t you want to do them?  Are those jobs beneath your dignity?  Are those jobs only good for Mexicans?  You sound kinda racist.  Diamond and Silk sure don’t think Donald Trump is a racist.

You want to end the trade agreements, but you want to keep the border open.  That doesn’t make any sense.  What’s the point of bringing back jobs to the states, only to have people from other countries work those jobs for less money?  You might as well have left those jobs overseas.

Or are you offended by what he said about abortions when he was put on the spot?  First he said he’d punish women for having them, then he said he wouldn’t punish women for having them, then he said he’d award women for having them, then he said — who cares what he said?  You know DAMN WELL that the Donald does not give a flying hoot about abortions.  Nor does he care about gay marriage, transgender bathroom issues or the legalization of marijuana.  Why do you want marijuana legalized anyway?  The government will just tax it and make it more expensive.  Just don’t be  a dipshit, and you won’t get caught using it.  Who actually gets caught doing drugs anyway?

You parrot the lines like “anyone but Trump”, but really?  Anyone?  You would rather have creepy Ted Cruz instead of a proud, alpha male, New Yorker like Trump?  You’d rather have  Clinton the sociopath, who blamed someone else when her terrible joke about “colored people time” belly flopped?  I certainly hope women/feminists aren’t going to vote for her just because she’s a woman; Lizzy Borden was also a woman, and so was Lorena Bobbitt.  Nah, I know you don’t like Clinton.  So who then?  John Kasich who talks like he’s had too much electroshock therapy?

This past weekend I helped my buddy move stuff out of a house in Lincoln Park, MI.  That’s part of the Metro Detroit area that is known as “down river.”  It’s where the icky white trash live in one story houses that are usually paid for by the government.  Those people are either unemployed or unemployable and are part of the downtrodden that Bernie Sanders is allegedly supposed to help.  Those people are also racist, sexist, anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage.  Do you honestly feel the welfare state that Bernie wants to build should be extended to them or do you think those poor white trash should wallow in all their black hating, gay hating, dirt poor misery?  Would you invite one over to join you to listen to the new Best Coast LP while you scarf down ramen noodles?

I don’t believe all you Sanders supporters want to help the real poor; you’re just bitter that your degree in feminist interpretive dance didn’t get you the six figure a year job that you thought it should, and now you gotta pay all that money back.  You don’t really want to help the coal miners; fuck them and their environment polluting profession.  Why can’t they be enlightened and take a gender studies program?  That way they’ll learn that all that “providing” they’re doing is just feeding into the capitalist patriarchy.  Bastards.

So, I know if this little letter or post or whatever gets read by the hipster wing of the Sanders constituency, it won’t make a dent in their thinking.  But, if you’re in the actually working, downtrodden, need to feed your family sect of the Bernie camp, remember, there is another guy who, at very least, shares some of the same views.  And, if that wall gets built and millions of illegal immigrants are shipped out, there will be quite a few less people to compete with for jobs.

But, what do I know?  According to this guy, DONALD TRUMP IS LITERALLY HITLER!!!

15 Sexuality Terms That Will Make You Know More Made Up Sexuality Terms

husband-and-wife1

Expressing one’s sexuality has become a complicated affair.  A long time ago, what was an oppressive, patriarchal world, full of strict labels that forced people to confine themselves to “normal” sexual acts in which a man’s only option would be to stick his genitalia into only a limited number of orifices – sadly all human – and a woman was expected to only allow acceptable items to be inserted into her vaginal cavity, has, thanks to sexual liberation been opened up (no pun intended) into a world of whole new possibilities.

But, before we go on, let me apologize for my crass and insensitive labeling of “man” and “woman.”  These no longer exist.  What I meant to say was “humans who were assigned male or female genitalia and a male or female societal role against their will.”

Now, one may say, “do we need labels at all?”  After all, if a person of undisclosed genitalia and gender identity wants to go fuck a horse, then this person with undisclosed genitalia and gender identity should be allowed to fuck a horse!  That is this person’s right and, as long as it doesn’t harm another (and even if it does), we have no right to judge.

However, we use labels for all sorts of reasons so I’m not sure why some people get bent out of shape about the neologisms for sexuality.  So for myself and for those of you who don’t understand or even know about the rapidly changing “word world” of sexuality, here’s a primer on the subject, using something that is a little easier to understand: a list with definitions.

1.) Bedpansexual – This type of person gets really turned on by bedpans, whether it’s jerking off into bedpans, bathing in bedpans or pouring the contents of bedpans all over one’s head.

2.) Craniosexual – Back, in our less enlightened days, we called this skullfucking.  But, somewhere down the line, “skullfucking” became an ugly and discriminatory term, almost as if it were deviant behavior.  Nowadays, if you notice a heteronormative couple and the one who looks like the holder of the female genitalia is wearing an eye patch, you can giggle to yourself and say, “I know what those crazy cats were up to last night!”

3.) Breadsexual – Someone who gets turned on by the prospect of cooking a warm loaf of bread and fucking it.  Okay, let’s face it; we’ve ALL been breadsexuals at one point.

4.) Bionosexual – Few would consider RoboCop or the Terminator to be sex symbols, but few people have heard of the sexual attraction to beings who are part organic and part bionic.  In real life, unfortunately, the result of this attraction has been quite disastrous, as one might expect from being jerked off by a mechanical claw, but I’d be prejudiced against bionosexuals if I attempted to dissuade them from this lifestyle.  I hope they’re at least using some form of lubrication.

5.) Autopsosexual – DO NOT confuse autopsexuals for necrophiliacs. This is a pure act of prejudice, but don’t worry.  You weren’t aware.  Autoposexuals only get turned on by corpses which are being cut open, taking the sentiment “I wanna feel you from the inside” quite literally.

6.) Allosexual – A person who experiences sexual stimulation from sticking one’s head into the mouth of an alligator.  Unfortunately the majority of the people who get turned on this way are eaten before they can achieve full sexual fulfillment.

7.) Pierced-stomachsexual – Person who experiences sexual attraction from seeing someone having his or her stomach filled with liquid, having his or urinary tract blocked off and have his or her stomach pierced with a sword, like what happened in Caligula.

8.) Decaposexual – Person who gets wildly turned on from watching another person get decapitated; it’s probably safe to assume this person would have been aroused during the filming of John Landis’ segment of Twilight Zone the Movie.

9.) Assbladesexual – Person who experience sexual attraction from seeing a knife stuck into another person’s anus.

10.) Assbleedsexual – Although this one can overlap with assbladesexual, this is a person who enjoys the sight of another person bleeding from the anus; the reason for the bleeding doesn’t make a difference.

11.) Immobilesexual – Person who is turned on by another person’s lack of mobility.  Of course this could be divided into a myriad of sub-categories, from someone who is attracted to paraplegics and quadriplegics to a person who gets turned on by watching those commercials in which old people fall and can’t get up.

12.) Spergosexual – Person attracted to anyone on the autism spectrum, but especially those who can keep a thoroughly detailed one-sided conversation going for four hours without stop.

13.) Flagosexual – Person who is incredibly aroused by self-flagellation; whether it’s the classic self-whipping along the back, running head first into a wall or constant self criticism, any will do as long as the person constantly feels guilty for something and is punishing himself for it.

14.) Peptosexual – Person who enjoys watching another person get heartburn.  This is the type of person that gets sexually aroused at another person’s torment caused by the ingestion of spicy food or hoppy beverage.  One does not know if he or she is on a date with a peptosexual until the person notices the other person’s discomfort, at which point sexual arousal occurs.

15.) Cystnormative – Person who gets aroused by watching someone having a boil drained.