The SavageHippie Guide to Good Trolling

20160814_141814There comes a time in your life when you have to admit the undeniable truth to yourself; I’m a troll, and I really like being a troll because trolling idiots is funny!  Now, I can’t say I’m the BEST troll because, unlike a certain Eugene Nix, who you can read about here, and to whom you can listen to David Cole, Ann Sterzinger and I talk to on our podcast here, I don’t have the planning or wherewithal to pull the caper he did.  However, what I do have, like Eugene Nix, is the ability spot the cliches, use them against people and cause these people to have a visceral reaction.  And that is fuckin’ funny.  I’m more of a real life troll, the guy who gets punched in the face when my use of absurdity is misinterpreted by people with no sense of humor.  And I admit that I TOO have been caught in this trap.

But, before we get to all that, let’s define precisely what a troll is and why a troll exists.  Being a Luddite – having found out what rickrolling is when I was rickrolled by phony balloney “libertarian” Julie Borrowsky, of all people – I came to this internet culture way late in life, so the things that I had been doing IN real life have become manifest all over the interwebs, where it seems the entire Western world spends its life even WHEN they’re out exploring the world.  Again, I just bought my first smart phone so I am learning how addicting going on the internet can be even when in public among friends and thinking that showing other people pictures of the band you’re watching or whatever cool knick knack you found fulfills a certain desire, satisfies a certain need.  I call it narcissism, and anyone who claims that they don’t have a little of it is lying.

So, anyway, in real life, I found it amusing to say over the top or odd stuff just to get a reaction.  Only later did I learn that this was “trolling.”  The major thing about saying things to get a reaction is that you need other people around who understand what you’re doing, to understand that you’re putting on a show.  But, on top of that, you’re also putting the “victim” of your charade to a test.  Is that person smart enough to “get it”?  Can you tell by that person’s reaction that he or she knows you’re kidding?  Like I said, I’ve been on the receiving end and later disappointed that I wasn’t in on the joke at the time of it happening.

For instance, when I was 16, some guy I didn’t know came up to me at a record store in a mall and asked me, “can I fuck you in the ass?”  I did a double take and kinda, trying to play cool, said something like, “um, errr, well, I don’t do that dude, but good luck…” only to have Jared fucking Yellin walk up after and say, “hey this is my friend…”  I was so disappointed by how easily I was taken in when it should have been obvious how absurd the situation was.  Maybe if we were at Fire Island, just asking a random person if you can fuck that person in the ass might seem like a normal thing to do, but, even IF this guy was trying to suss out another fag, he would most likely have a more subtle way of doing it.  In other words, I got punked!  If I HAD been more perceptive, I would have said something along the lines of “sorry, only pitcher, not catcher.”

How good you are at trolling is contingent on a few key factors.  One of them is your victim.  As funny as I found Borat to be, one can’t deny that Sasha Baren Cohen’s targets in that movie weren’t exactly positioned very high.  Yes, his trolling was effective, but let’s face it; it was cheap and obvious.  It was elite America laughing at dumb rednecks and conservative politicians.  And, to keep with the politically correct narrative, the couple of experiences with blacks in that movie resulted in him being the butt of the joke, rather than them.

On the other hand, one of my recent FB status updates, is an example of good trolling.  The only problem I see with it is that I wasted it by putting it on my FB wall, where it garnered a few laughs from some friends, while confusing others, rather than placing it in the comments section for NPR, New York Times or Huffington Post.  In attempting to laugh at the left, I had inadvertently punked my friends Scott V. and Joseph C., who actually thought they “lost another one.”  Like with the previous “can I fuck you in the ass” incident, we all get punked.  Here is what I wrote:

So sick of people and their “cause” and “effect.” Trump needs to apologize to Clinton and Obama for saying they started ISIS. ISIS just happened, okay? Just like the Nazis, every few years enemies just appear. Nobody knows from where, and really, it’s not important. They just do. What interest would Clinton and Obama have in starting ISIS? ISIS kill people, and why would our secretary of state want that? Donald Trump and ISIS are bad for the real heroes of this story, the Muslims, and I mean the real Muslims, not the violent radicals.

Now let’s break this down.  The opening sentence is so fundamentally absurd that anyone with half a brain – barring of course Scott V. and Joseph C., who have fully functioning and intelligent brains, but were just caught off guard – would see that as a dead giveaway.  I put the words “cause” and “effect” in ironic quotes to imply that those things need not be considered and that only idiots would pay attention to cause and effect.  At that point, the brain should be thinking, “haha, very funny, asshole.”

But the onslaught doesn’t end there.  I say Trump needs to apologize to Clinton and Obama for saying they started ISIS.  Most informed people realize that Clinton and Obama had something to do with starting ISIS, even if indirectly – ya know, that Iraq war thing.  So why would he need to apologize?  The only people who complained about Trump’s statements are idiot leftists who didn’t think for a second that Trump didn’t mean they literally were the heads of ISIS.  THEN, I turn up the absurdity to 11 with my statement about how “Just like the Nazis, every few years enemies just appear. Nobody knows from where, and really, it’s not important. They just do.”  REALLY?  They just do?  Like magic?  Again, should be a dead giveaway.

And then I ask, “What interest would Clinton and Obama have in starting ISIS? ISIS kill people, and why would our secretary of state want that?”  This is after Benghazi and after Clinton has been accused of being a sociopath, so again, this post is unrelenting in its obvious stupidity.

And then finally I say, “Donald Trump and ISIS are bad for the real heroes of this story, the Muslims, and I mean the real Muslims, not the violent radicals.”  Anybody who knows me knows that I’m no fan of Islam and that I think there is a pathology in the Muslim community, which allows them to tacitly approve terrorism while impeding any attempt to stop it by calling investigations and tougher measures “discrimination.”  There is no fathomable way the Muslims are the heroes of this or any narrative.

So, there you go; a perfect 10 in terms of trolling, something befitting the comment section at Huffington Post or New York Times, where anyone who agrees becomes a target for ridicule in my sick show.  Similarly, it functions well at a conservative blog; if someone gets the joke, that person might chime in with equally ridiculous and hyperbolic statements.  If someone does not, that person might angrily react, or as Joseph C. posted under the comment:

trolling4

The bottom line is that, to be a good troll, your post has to be able to be taken seriously by the truly stupid, seen as a joke by the intelligent and, on occasion, cause confusion among people who should know better but were caught off guard.

 

Jew to Jew: Edwin the Drunk Interviews Ben the Pious

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Note: This interview with Ben Shapiro actually took place and not a single word was edited out.

Edwin the Drunk: Hi Ben, welcome to Jew to Jew on SavageHippie TV, how’s it goin’, bud?

Ben the Pious: Oh, it’s great.  Pleasure to be here–

ETD: SORRY if I’m a bit wasted and tweaky, just popped an Aderall.  Ever done Aderall, Ben?

BTP: Heh, no, but I have been known to get a bit RANDY on Manishewitz on a Shabbos evening from time to time, heh heh.

(awkward silence)

ETD: So, how about them facts not caring about your feelings, eh?

BTP: Oh, yeah, I’m 100% fact, 0% feeling.  Fact ALL THE AWAY!  Not PC AT ALL!  ALL FACT, NO FEELING!

ETD: Well, that’s good know!  Word on the street is that you’re not too hip on Donald Trump.  Why’s that?

BTP: Man isn’t conservative, Ed.  He wants to take an EVEN stance on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict.  CRAZY, I TELL YOU!

ETD: Uhhh…

BTP: CRAZY!  You know what he MEANS by “EVEN”, don’t you?

ETD: Buhh….

BTP: GOD, err, Hashem, err Moses…

ETD: Don’t take the lord’s name in veii–

BTP: IT MEANS GAS THE KIKES, ED!!!  GOD, AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEES THAT??!!

ETD: Mmm, that’s not exactly the impression I got from that… say, so we’re the same age, both part of the hooknose usury cabal…

BTP: Ed, that’s not funny.

ETD: Well, now you got me thinking, are you a Jew by blood or religion?  You said that being Jewish isn’t about remembering the Holocaust. Then what is it?

BTP: I’m religious, Ed.  DON’T YOU SEE MY YARMULKE?!  ON MY HEAD?!  (points to head) I’M AN ORTHODOX JEW, AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT!!!

ETD: Oh, my bad… yeah, my folks came here from the Soviet Union back in ’74.  We’re not too religious though, but I’ve got that Ashkenazi blood–

BTP: ORTHODOX JEW!!! YARMULKE!!!

ETD: Right, got it… so like, Pam Geller supports Trump now–

BPT: I love that fine, 60 year old vixen, but she DOES NOT GET IT!!! “EVEN HANDED POLICY”?!

ETD: Don’t you think it’s good that Donald Trump doesn’t want to let 10,000 Syrians, or any Muslims into the country for that matter?  Last time I checked Muslims hate Jews and you would think–

BTP: Yahweh, Ed, don’t you know who Trump’s followers are?!

ETD: Well, I am and Pam Geller is–

BTP: Ugh, did you see the tweets that I got?!  LOOK AT THE F’N TWEETS I GOT, ED!!!

ETD: Oh yeah, that’s not very kind.  Well, ya know, trolls–

BTP: TROLLS?! MAYBE IF MILO WASN’T ALWAYS TAKING IT UP THE ASS, HE’D SEE THAT WE HAVE THE FUCKING FOURTH REICH ON OUR DOORSTEP!!!

ETD: I dunno, Ben.  I think you’re being a little dramatic–

BTP: Alternative Right are a bunch of neo-Nazi thugs, and I can’t believe that you don’t see how they’re trying to put me in an oven!

ETD: Uh, last time I checked Jared Taylor, Andy Nowicki and John Derbyshire don’t have too much of a problem with us yids.  Ya know, there was a time when I got Richard Spencer and Robert Spencer mixed up!  Can you believe that?  One guy looks like an ogre, and the other guy looks Carrey Grr–

BTP: YEAH!  That’s what they WANT you to think!  Have you talked to any of those creeps?!

ETD: Yeah, they’re not too bad, although Taki Theoshapalappadingdong or whatever the fuck his name is isn’t too fond of us.  I mean, I can’t say I blame him–

BTP: WHAT?!  What are you, a self hating Jew or something?!

ETD: Oh, no, but you gotta at least admit that some of “the tribe” were involved in the Frankfurt School, which is basically the reason we’re in this PC mess… I mean, facts don’t care about your feel–

BTP: It has NOTHING to do with being Jewish–

ETD: Well, I mean, the Mafia had nothing to do with being Sicilian, but they were still all–

BTP: Look, Ed, I didn’t come here to hear this antisemitic garbage.  If you wanna ask me a real question, then ask me a real fuschluggina question, or I’m gonna plotz!

ETD: All right, all right, what do you think of the new Schindler’s List Nintendo game?

BTP: What?!

ETD: Yeah, it’s kinda like how they adapted Platoon to Nintendo, ya know, action adventure shoot ’em up… it’s kinda like Mario Bros., but instead of Princess Toadstool, you save a girl in a red dress in every level.  Capcom put it out–

BTP: That’s f’n sick, man.  I’m gonna contact every news program I know and tell them about this tasteless and disgusting–

ETD: All right, you got me, I was kidding.

BTP: Man, Ed, you had me going for a minute.  You’re good, man.

ETD: Heh, so, what do you think of the Rugrats Hanukkah special?

BTP: Never heard of it; I used to watch TV, but then I realized it was a bunch of liberal propaganda.

ETD: Oh yeah, I read your book about that.  It was pretty good, except for all those faggy shows you talk about, except for Three’s Company.  John Ritter is THE MAN!!!

BTP: Ed, are you going to ask me a real question because I have Shabbos dinner in a couple hours, and I gotta get ready for that.

ETD:  So, what do you think about what David Cole said about you in his book?

BTP: DAVID COLE??!! THAT HOLOCAUST DENYING PIECE OF SLIME??!!  YEAH, HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO STEIN!!! ANYBODY WHO DENIES THE HOLOCAUST LIKE HIM DOESN’T DESERVE THE NAME STEIN!!!

ETD: Uh, well, he wasn’t really denying the Holocaust, I mean, he says it happened.  He just wanted to revise a few of the well-accepted elements of it, I mean, he says there were only four gas chambers instead of six–

BTP: OH, FOR THE LOVE YAHWEH, DON’T TELL ME YOU ACTUALLY LIKE THAT SELF-HATING, HOLOCAUST DENYING PIECE OF GARBAGE!!!

ETD: Uh, yeah, I think he’s pretty cool, I mean, I did find it funny when Pam Geller called him an asshat, something I wouldn’t expect a woman pushing 60 to say–

BTP: WHY ARE WE DISCUSSING THAT HOLOCAUST DENYING SLIME??!!

ETD: Uh, actually, I think he’s an Israel supporter, so–

BTP: LOOK, ED, DO YOU WANT ME TO WALK OFF THIS SHOW?!  I APPRECIATE THE BAGEL AND LOX BACKSTAGE, BUT I DID NOT COME HERE TO DISCUSS SELF HATING HOLOCAUST DENIERS.  I’M GLAD THAT RED HEAD RATTED ON HIM.  ALL HOLOCAUST DENYING SLIME SHOULD BE CENSORED AND OSTRACIZED.  I MEAN, YOU SAY YOU’RE JEWISH.  HOW COULD YOU SUPPORT SUCH SLIME?

ETD: Well, I mean, people say the Civil War was more about economics than slavery, and can you tell me how many people were killed in the Armenian genocide–

BTP: SIX MILLION JEWS, ED!!! SIX MILLION JEWS!!!

ETD: Well, other people were killed during the Holocaust, like gays and Gypsies-

BTP: SIX MILLION JEWS, ED!!!

ETD: Oh, right, my bad.

BTP: ISRAEL ISRAEL ISRAEL!!!

ETD: Uh, yeah, good place!  I went there on Birthright five years ago, rode a camel, hung out in Bedouin tent – but man, the girls were such skanks!  All going and cheating on their boyfriends.  I tell you, if my girlfriend said she was going on a trip overseas and didn’t have me come with her–

BTP: ISRAEL ISRAEL ISRAEL!!!

ETD: Uh, yeah, I like that place.  Ya know, someone at the Taki’s site got all Jew hatin’ on me and told me to get my ass packing out of the U.S. and go to Israel–

BTP: SEE?! A BUNCH OF F’N NEO-NAZIS!!!  I keep trying to tell Nero when he’s not getting plowed up the ass that first they came for–

ETD: Eh, I didn’t take it that personally.  I mean, at least he wasn’t telling me the place belongs to the Palestinians.  There are definitely worse places to be deported to.  I mean, they hold this awesome, annual metal festival, and Ross the Boss Friedman from the Dictators and Manowar always plays it.  Which one of Ross’ bands do you like more; Dictators or Manowar?

BTP: Heh, I dunno, Ed, I’m more of a Beatles/Rolling Stones kinda guy, ya know?  But, mainly I just listen Schlock Rock with my kids, if you know what I mean…

ETD: Er, nooope…

BTP: Were you Bar Mitzvahed, Ed?

ETD: Uh, yeah, it was pretty cool!  I was stoned outta my mind when I read the Torah, kinda like that kid in A Serious Man

BTP: Ugh, I HATE the Coen brothers.  Couple of self hating Jews!  They can’t even spell COHEN the right way.  Hey Joel and Ethan, it’s C-O-H-E-N… I swear to Yahweh… now, SPIELBERG is a director I can get behind!

ETD: Eh, I guess Jaws and Close Encounters were all right…

BTP: Schindler’s List is the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.  It is the most honest and truthful portrayal of the Holocaust ever put to film.  I thought I was watching a documentary.

ETD: Uh, right… I thought the scene in Amistad where slaves revolt on the ship and kill all the people was pretty cool… so, what’s your favorite Mel Brooks film–

BTP: I don’t watch films by self-hating Jews.  THE INQUISITION IS NOTHING TO LAUGH AT!!! HOW DARE HE!!!  He might as well call himself Mel Gibson.

ETD: So, did you really think it was necessary to resign from Breitbart?

BTP: Ugghhh, Ed, I don’t want to go into it.  If you saw the video, I think it’s pretty darn clear that Michelle Fields was sexually assaulted and gang raped, and all Breitbart did was stand by and laugh at her.

ETD: Uh, didn’t the guy just nudge her aside because she was in his way?  I do that all the time when I go to a bar and it’s really crowd–

BTP: THEN YOU’RE A SEXUAL ASSAULT APOLOGIST!!!  Look, Ed, I gotta wrap this up.

ETD: Do you own a gun, Ben?

BTP: Yeah, certainly!  Pro 2nd amendment, baby!

ETD: Wanna go shooting some time?

BTP: Sure, but not on Shabbos!

ETD & BTP both break down laughing.

ETD: All right, cheers, brother.

BTP: Thanks, Ed!

 

 

15 Sexuality Terms That Will Make You Know More Made Up Sexuality Terms

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Expressing one’s sexuality has become a complicated affair.  A long time ago, what was an oppressive, patriarchal world, full of strict labels that forced people to confine themselves to “normal” sexual acts in which a man’s only option would be to stick his genitalia into only a limited number of orifices – sadly all human – and a woman was expected to only allow acceptable items to be inserted into her vaginal cavity, has, thanks to sexual liberation been opened up (no pun intended) into a world of whole new possibilities.

But, before we go on, let me apologize for my crass and insensitive labeling of “man” and “woman.”  These no longer exist.  What I meant to say was “humans who were assigned male or female genitalia and a male or female societal role against their will.”

Now, one may say, “do we need labels at all?”  After all, if a person of undisclosed genitalia and gender identity wants to go fuck a horse, then this person with undisclosed genitalia and gender identity should be allowed to fuck a horse!  That is this person’s right and, as long as it doesn’t harm another (and even if it does), we have no right to judge.

However, we use labels for all sorts of reasons so I’m not sure why some people get bent out of shape about the neologisms for sexuality.  So for myself and for those of you who don’t understand or even know about the rapidly changing “word world” of sexuality, here’s a primer on the subject, using something that is a little easier to understand: a list with definitions.

1.) Bedpansexual – This type of person gets really turned on by bedpans, whether it’s jerking off into bedpans, bathing in bedpans or pouring the contents of bedpans all over one’s head.

2.) Craniosexual – Back, in our less enlightened days, we called this skullfucking.  But, somewhere down the line, “skullfucking” became an ugly and discriminatory term, almost as if it were deviant behavior.  Nowadays, if you notice a heteronormative couple and the one who looks like the holder of the female genitalia is wearing an eye patch, you can giggle to yourself and say, “I know what those crazy cats were up to last night!”

3.) Breadsexual – Someone who gets turned on by the prospect of cooking a warm loaf of bread and fucking it.  Okay, let’s face it; we’ve ALL been breadsexuals at one point.

4.) Bionosexual – Few would consider RoboCop or the Terminator to be sex symbols, but few people have heard of the sexual attraction to beings who are part organic and part bionic.  In real life, unfortunately, the result of this attraction has been quite disastrous, as one might expect from being jerked off by a mechanical claw, but I’d be prejudiced against bionosexuals if I attempted to dissuade them from this lifestyle.  I hope they’re at least using some form of lubrication.

5.) Autopsosexual – DO NOT confuse autopsexuals for necrophiliacs. This is a pure act of prejudice, but don’t worry.  You weren’t aware.  Autoposexuals only get turned on by corpses which are being cut open, taking the sentiment “I wanna feel you from the inside” quite literally.

6.) Allosexual – A person who experiences sexual stimulation from sticking one’s head into the mouth of an alligator.  Unfortunately the majority of the people who get turned on this way are eaten before they can achieve full sexual fulfillment.

7.) Pierced-stomachsexual – Person who experiences sexual attraction from seeing someone having his or her stomach filled with liquid, having his or urinary tract blocked off and have his or her stomach pierced with a sword, like what happened in Caligula.

8.) Decaposexual – Person who gets wildly turned on from watching another person get decapitated; it’s probably safe to assume this person would have been aroused during the filming of John Landis’ segment of Twilight Zone the Movie.

9.) Assbladesexual – Person who experience sexual attraction from seeing a knife stuck into another person’s anus.

10.) Assbleedsexual – Although this one can overlap with assbladesexual, this is a person who enjoys the sight of another person bleeding from the anus; the reason for the bleeding doesn’t make a difference.

11.) Immobilesexual – Person who is turned on by another person’s lack of mobility.  Of course this could be divided into a myriad of sub-categories, from someone who is attracted to paraplegics and quadriplegics to a person who gets turned on by watching those commercials in which old people fall and can’t get up.

12.) Spergosexual – Person attracted to anyone on the autism spectrum, but especially those who can keep a thoroughly detailed one-sided conversation going for four hours without stop.

13.) Flagosexual – Person who is incredibly aroused by self-flagellation; whether it’s the classic self-whipping along the back, running head first into a wall or constant self criticism, any will do as long as the person constantly feels guilty for something and is punishing himself for it.

14.) Peptosexual – Person who enjoys watching another person get heartburn.  This is the type of person that gets sexually aroused at another person’s torment caused by the ingestion of spicy food or hoppy beverage.  One does not know if he or she is on a date with a peptosexual until the person notices the other person’s discomfort, at which point sexual arousal occurs.

15.) Cystnormative – Person who gets aroused by watching someone having a boil drained.