Savage Hippie Episode 51 – Never Violate the NPAP (Non Passive Aggression Principle)

me_ann_david_npap

This is probably one of my favorite episodes we’ve done. I spent a lot of time editing down the original “recording session” to the brisk and fun podcast that you are about to listen to. The sound is (relatively) good; it moves along at a decent pace; and there’s a good balance of politics, comedy and personal anecdotes. David Cole, Ann Sterzinger and I discuss annoying anarcho-libertarian ideologues, Somali “refugees” in Fargo, Dr. Who now being a woman and, of course, (big sigh) the trannies.

Ann also proposes her plan to end socialism once and for all, and there’s plenty of racial slurs and belittling of women, minorities and the “differently abled” to keep the hipster racist entertained.

This week’s Sounds of Marshabaloosh segment features experimental sludge metal overlords, the Melvins, one of my favorite bands of all time. The song we feature is called “Euthanasia”, and it originally appeared on the 1990 Amphetamine Reptile records compilation album Dope-Guns-‘n-Fucking in the Streets Volume 4-7. The version we feature here is a new recording, appearing on their new album, A Walk with Love & Death. Listen to it here.

David did the NPAPish artwork, and the song at the end is “The Diet Has Failed” by the Yesticles.

You Can’t Bring Your Dick Back, but You Can Kill Muslims

george_takai_militaryI know it’s hard for the precious reader to fathom the idea that the person writing this piece has ever had trouble with the ladiez, but it’s true! There are times when I go out to the bar, talk to a few broads and strike out! I realize that I look unfathomably good, but it indeed does happen. I’m trying to make myself look better through a tough workout and diet regimen, which will flatten my stomach and bring out my chest, so I strike out less. But indeed, there are nights – many of them – where I’m forced to retreat to my room and have sex by my lonesome, coming up with all manner of depraved scenario in my head (I don’t watch very much pornography), giving myself the satisfaction I was unable to obtain via some skank or lonely barfly.

Of course I’m not alone in this regard; most men aren’t Casanovas. And, since our teachers taught us in sex ed that strokin’ the ol’ pole is a natural function, there’s nuthin’ to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s damn near necessary sometimes. Hell, it’s SO necessary, that when you HAVEN’T jerked off in a while, your body will force you to extract some of your milky, white testicle ooze during a wet dream.

And just to gross out the reader even more, when I was drunkenly and sloppily banging Jo the ex-stripper, who does the “fill in puzzles”, and I kept pumping and pumping and pumping, blowing one wad after another and charging back up within seconds before pumping and pumping and pumping some more, she asked the fundamental question about the male sex drive; “aren’t you satisfied?” In fact, she privately messaged me and told me “you were like a machine last night!”

Machine-like fucking notwithstanding, she understood that the male sex organ, the DICK, if you will, CRAVES satisfaction; that rising feeling that keeps getting better and better and better until it peaks and a release occurs, causing semen to shoot out of the tiny slit in the head of the mushroom. When women say, “guys only think with their dicks”, they’re right. The NEED to satisfy the urge is so incredibly strong that guys will lose friendships, get into fights, risk their lives, accumulate great amounts of wealth and build entire civilizations because of it; men have gone to war, and empires have been destroyed because of it. I’m not going to go into the specific seduction techniques a woman would need to control a man via the power of the male sex drive, but let’s put it this way; if you’re a woman of even moderate attractiveness, you pretty much never need to work.

On top of that, many women have NO IDEA how therapeutic sex can be. People say music soothes the savage beast. Wrong; sex does. It releases endorphins, truly taking the “edge off” a shitty day and calming the nerves. In Falling Down, all Michael Douglas needed  was a good blowjob…

So, what happens when you can’t relieve the tension in your loins?

The most striking thing about Born on the 4th of July was how Tom Cruise’s character had lost his dick in Vietnam. The fact that he had to piss through a tube was bad enough, but the hooker he hired was utterly useless. What could she do for him? Rub his back? Lick his ear? Those are the things you do to tease a man before giving him the payoff, that is pleasuring his holy mushroom. Hell, my dick instantly hardens when someone rubs my nipple. All pleasure sensations eventually lead to the dick, and he didn’t have one.

In Sam Fuller’s World War II epic, The Big Red One, after an explosion, one of the characters feels around his crotch and excitedly exclaims, “I still have my dick!” And don’t think there is ANYTHING funny about that. You could lose both arms, both legs, both ears and both eyes, have your tongue sliced off and half your face blown off, but if there’s a woman who can stomach blowing or fucking you, somehow life JUST doesn’t seem so bad.

You’re probably thinking, “yeah, okay, okay, I get it. Guys need their dicks, but what’s you point?”

I’m getting there, asshole!

Trannies are this week’s topic du jour thanks to Donald Trump banning them from serving in the military. And, while I have no problem with this decision, all sorts of issues have been brought up with regards to this sub-sub-sub-sub sect of society, one that nobody even thought about until some mentally ill assholes decided to shove their daddy issues down everyone’s throats.

“Transgenderism” is completely made up bullshit. You’re either a transvestite, which means you enjoy wearing women’s clothing, or you’re a transsexual, which means you had your dick cut off and replaced with an artificial vagina.

divine_2.0

And don’t get me wrong; I love John Waters’ films, but I would NEVER considered Divine to be a woman, and neither does John Waters.

“But, Edwin”, you say, “I STILL don’t understand what this has to do with men needing their dicks.”

Well, dipshit, what happens when a man becomes a transsexual? He done can’t use his dick no mo’. The physical male pleasure center is GONE, baby, and it ain’t NEVER comin’ back. I’ve read that the phony vagina uses the same nerves from the original penis, and the penis head is crafted into a clitoris of sorts, but I highly doubt the same satisfaction is ever achieved again. I mean REAL women, ya know, the ones who were born with a vagina, a uterus, an XX chromosome and the estrogen that makes them so emotional, complain that they have a hard time getting off. So the idea that one could achieve with an artificial vagina the same satisfaction one once achieved with his dick is pretty hard to believe.

Of course, the man who decided to become a “woman” knew all of this, right? Well, you would think. One of the biggest arguments against the “transgender” trend is that there is a 40% rate of suicide associated with it. The most popular and naturally foolhardy explanation for the high rate of suicide among trannies is that they get bullied and harassed to the point of wanting to off themselves.

Think about this VERY carefully… VERY VERY VERY carefully…

WHAT FUCKING GROUP OF PEOPLE HASN’T BEEN HARASSED AND BULLIED AT SOME POINT DURING HUMAN HISTORY??!!

According to this article, the high suicide rate among “transgendered” people has nothing to do with discrimination, but their high level of mental illness and depression. I’ll take it one step further. I would LOVE to see an HONEST study which EXPLICITLY measures the suicide rates of post-op trannies; because, you know what we call pre-op trannies in non-retarded land? MEN WHO DRESS LIKE WOMEN!!!

And remember, once you make the “transition” to the dickless side, there is no going back; no more nights of looking at whatever gives you a boner and relieving tension in a few simple strokes; no more splattering your goo onto your bedroom wall or sex partner’s face; no more endorphin release… it’s ALL gone…

On the other hand, if the ridiculous idea of aiding and abetting a dinky percent of the population pans out though Supreme Court fiat, and trannies are eventually allowed to serve in the military, they could relieve all their pent up sexual frustration by blowing away Islamic terrorists, so I guess it’s a win win.

15 Sexuality Terms That Will Make You Know More Made Up Sexuality Terms

husband-and-wife1

Expressing one’s sexuality has become a complicated affair.  A long time ago, what was an oppressive, patriarchal world, full of strict labels that forced people to confine themselves to “normal” sexual acts in which a man’s only option would be to stick his genitalia into only a limited number of orifices – sadly all human – and a woman was expected to only allow acceptable items to be inserted into her vaginal cavity, has, thanks to sexual liberation been opened up (no pun intended) into a world of whole new possibilities.

But, before we go on, let me apologize for my crass and insensitive labeling of “man” and “woman.”  These no longer exist.  What I meant to say was “humans who were assigned male or female genitalia and a male or female societal role against their will.”

Now, one may say, “do we need labels at all?”  After all, if a person of undisclosed genitalia and gender identity wants to go fuck a horse, then this person with undisclosed genitalia and gender identity should be allowed to fuck a horse!  That is this person’s right and, as long as it doesn’t harm another (and even if it does), we have no right to judge.

However, we use labels for all sorts of reasons so I’m not sure why some people get bent out of shape about the neologisms for sexuality.  So for myself and for those of you who don’t understand or even know about the rapidly changing “word world” of sexuality, here’s a primer on the subject, using something that is a little easier to understand: a list with definitions.

1.) Bedpansexual – This type of person gets really turned on by bedpans, whether it’s jerking off into bedpans, bathing in bedpans or pouring the contents of bedpans all over one’s head.

2.) Craniosexual – Back, in our less enlightened days, we called this skullfucking.  But, somewhere down the line, “skullfucking” became an ugly and discriminatory term, almost as if it were deviant behavior.  Nowadays, if you notice a heteronormative couple and the one who looks like the holder of the female genitalia is wearing an eye patch, you can giggle to yourself and say, “I know what those crazy cats were up to last night!”

3.) Breadsexual – Someone who gets turned on by the prospect of cooking a warm loaf of bread and fucking it.  Okay, let’s face it; we’ve ALL been breadsexuals at one point.

4.) Bionosexual – Few would consider RoboCop or the Terminator to be sex symbols, but few people have heard of the sexual attraction to beings who are part organic and part bionic.  In real life, unfortunately, the result of this attraction has been quite disastrous, as one might expect from being jerked off by a mechanical claw, but I’d be prejudiced against bionosexuals if I attempted to dissuade them from this lifestyle.  I hope they’re at least using some form of lubrication.

5.) Autopsosexual – DO NOT confuse autopsexuals for necrophiliacs. This is a pure act of prejudice, but don’t worry.  You weren’t aware.  Autoposexuals only get turned on by corpses which are being cut open, taking the sentiment “I wanna feel you from the inside” quite literally.

6.) Allosexual – A person who experiences sexual stimulation from sticking one’s head into the mouth of an alligator.  Unfortunately the majority of the people who get turned on this way are eaten before they can achieve full sexual fulfillment.

7.) Pierced-stomachsexual – Person who experiences sexual attraction from seeing someone having his or her stomach filled with liquid, having his or urinary tract blocked off and have his or her stomach pierced with a sword, like what happened in Caligula.

8.) Decaposexual – Person who gets wildly turned on from watching another person get decapitated; it’s probably safe to assume this person would have been aroused during the filming of John Landis’ segment of Twilight Zone the Movie.

9.) Assbladesexual – Person who experience sexual attraction from seeing a knife stuck into another person’s anus.

10.) Assbleedsexual – Although this one can overlap with assbladesexual, this is a person who enjoys the sight of another person bleeding from the anus; the reason for the bleeding doesn’t make a difference.

11.) Immobilesexual – Person who is turned on by another person’s lack of mobility.  Of course this could be divided into a myriad of sub-categories, from someone who is attracted to paraplegics and quadriplegics to a person who gets turned on by watching those commercials in which old people fall and can’t get up.

12.) Spergosexual – Person attracted to anyone on the autism spectrum, but especially those who can keep a thoroughly detailed one-sided conversation going for four hours without stop.

13.) Flagosexual – Person who is incredibly aroused by self-flagellation; whether it’s the classic self-whipping along the back, running head first into a wall or constant self criticism, any will do as long as the person constantly feels guilty for something and is punishing himself for it.

14.) Peptosexual – Person who enjoys watching another person get heartburn.  This is the type of person that gets sexually aroused at another person’s torment caused by the ingestion of spicy food or hoppy beverage.  One does not know if he or she is on a date with a peptosexual until the person notices the other person’s discomfort, at which point sexual arousal occurs.

15.) Cystnormative – Person who gets aroused by watching someone having a boil drained.