Braving the Slut Mine of OKCupid

okc_profile_pic_3.0What a stud!  With the weather warming up, my shedding a few pounds, and women shedding a few layers of clothing, it’s time to get back into the dating game.  Since I’m a tech tard, and I don’t have a tinder account, and since I don’t really have enough patience for pickup artistry, yet I want to guarantee that I’ll be able to sleep next to a warm body more than once every three months, I don’t typically go to bars with the hope of picking up ladies; after all, with the flowing booze, mixed signals that women send, and the cost of liquor, it can really be a liability. Don’t get me wrong; I HAVE picked up women at the bar before, but the “going out and seeing if I can get laid” investment seems to have hit the point of diminishing returns. Therefore, it seems like the only practical choice is braving the slut mine of OKC in spite the fact that it seems to have all but entirely been picked clean of anything worth picking.

And because I’ve become the expert at OKC dating with a reasonably high success rate, I’ve come up with this handy guide on how to work OKC for maximum results.

Your entire purpose of getting onto OKC is to convince a complete stranger to meet up with you so that the two of you can fornicate; I actually have to thank many of the ladies who haven’t been spooked by all of this rape hysteria out of letting me pick them up at their homes.  One thing is clear, though; if a woman doesn’t sleep with you the first night, she absolutely is not interested.  Even if she DOES sleep with you the first night, that’s no guarantee that she’ll be interested.  So, let’s just say, the whole purpose of getting onto OKC is for you to find someone who wants to fornicate the night you meet her; all you have to do is not give her a reason not to.  You can worry about what happens between the two of you later; that’s not what OKC is for.

Next, you have to get it out of your mind that you’re looking for anyone in particular.  Getting a girl from OKC or getting a girl in general these days is less contingent upon what mutual interests you have and more based on whether or not you’ll feel disgusted with yourself after waking up next to her the following morning.  In other words, if you message three girls because you see that they’re all huge Magma fans or they’ve seen all of John Cassavetes’ films and you think you’ve found the love of your life, you will rarely if ever get a message back.  In the dating market and basically in every other aspect of life, women have the upper hand.  The market is saturated with lonely and horny guys, so you have to be open minded even if she is a Harry Potter fan.

You have to have an iron will.  Your hunt for women has to be completely emotionless and based purely on your desire to find someone who will let you put your penis inside her, and you have to send out message after message after message to God knows how many women before any respond.  Getting pussy is like looking for a job.  You don’t send out two resumes to your favorite jobs and hope one of them bites.

Best bet is to have a template that you have saved, so you don’t have to keep typing the same stupid message over and over again.  For example:

“I see that you’re a big fan of _____.  What do you think of _____?  I’m actually a really big fan of _____.  Do you have any thoughts on that?”

If you see she’s a fan of horses, you can write:

“I see that you’re a big fan of horses.  What do you think of saddle sores?  I’m actually a really big fan of Freddie Got Fingered.  Do you have any thoughts on that?”

Or, if she’s a collector of old lawnmowers:

“I see that you’re a big fan of lawn mowers.  What do you think of riding mowers?  I’m actually a really big fan of hiring illegal immigrants to do my yard work.  Do you have any thoughts on that?”

Or, she comes from a family of taxidermists:

“I see that you’re a big fan of taxidermy.  What do you think of having your own body stuffed when you die and having someone put it on display for people to commemorate your life?  I’m actually a really big fan of filling dead cats up with lard.  Do you have any thoughts on that?”

That shows that you have read the profile so you’re not JUST going off of what she looks like.  Unfortunately some women have so little imagination that they put things like “hanging with my friends”, as if you assumed that she doesn’t have any friends.  Also, most women these days claim that they’re “sarcastic” or that they’re really good at “sarcasm.”  What that really means is they have carte blanche to say any disgusting, obnoxious or unpleasant thing they want and, if you want some sugar that night, you had better put up with it, bub!  I talked to one women who said that, if she didn’t like me, she would pretend to go to the bathroom and leave me.  Oh, that is SO funny and totally not indicative of something she actually does.  I did, in fact, tell her that that “joke” was quite the turn off and cancelled the date.  See, ladies, men can be put off by things that YOU say as well, and we’re not the ones buying all the Prozac.  So maybe learn some manners, k?

Make sure to say enough about yourself in your profile so you legitimately seem like an interesting person that a woman would want to hang out with, and make sure you look cool in your pictures.  Get a female friend to snap a few good shots for you.  Some tips I have are don’t smile in any of them and make sure to have at least one where you’re actually doing something so girls think you’re an active person.  Oh and, if you can’t figure out NOT to put something like “all you women are looking for is a good time with my money, why am I always friend zoned, wah wah wah” or “why do you bitches always go with the the assholes when I’m such a nice guy” on your profile, then you probably should have your internet taken away from you and be forced to interact with real people.

The girls on OKC can be broken down into three basic categories; attention whores, horny trollops without children and horny trollops with children.  Let’s expand on these:

Attention Whores: Basically, if a girl is super, fuckin’ hot, like an eight through a ten, and she’s on a dating site, she’s an attention whore.  There’s literally no reason for her to be on OKCupid other than to continue to feed her narcissism.  She never responds to messages but always “complains” about how her inbox is full, and she’s got tons of little satellite men who are more than willing to be friend zoned by her to catch a whiff of her anal vapors.  Yet she doesn’t go out with ANY of them because none of them have been truly able to scratch that itch.  You have to be like someone super important, like the creme de la cock to be with this type.  In other words, she’s the most chaste person ever until a popular indie rock band comes to town.

Horny Trollops Without Kids: Believe it or not, these ladies actually might want a relationship.  The highest level of attractiveness any of these ladies ever reaches is a seven, but since when was a slightly overweight, curvey seven, who is also really pretty, that bad or shameful to be with?  Or a girl with a hot body, but has the face of ET?  Especially in the age where better than average looking guys have to settle for less and less.  My only tip on how to get these ladies is just learn to be fun and sociable, learn a tiny modicum of game (like, I mean, don’t be a pussy and go for the kiss) and don’t unload your spergy, in depth knowledge of every Hawkwind album on her unless her OKC profile explicitly says that she’s a huge Hawkwind fan, and you’ll be in like sin.  I’m not kidding; when I put the work in, I can nail someone about every other week to once a month and, if one doesn’t work out, I just go for another.  The only exception is during the cold months.  Then women tend to flake more often, either not answering your texts or coming up with bogus excuses to not meet up with you, since they’d prefer to snuggle by themselves under a blanket, than go out for a couple hours and end up snuggling with another human being.  And once they break the date, don’t try to reschedule because, if a woman is “too sick” to go out that night, she just isn’t interested.  At least she spent 20 seconds to come up with an excuse and didn’t just stop responding!  Don’t take it personally.  Women can’t even stay loyal to their own friends, let alone someone they’ve never met in person.  It’s pretty tough these days for me to take what a woman says at face value unless she’s giving me directions or something trivial like that.

Horny Trollops With Kids: You might think that, because a woman is a single mother, she would want a man in the house to help take care of and raise the kids, ya know, so the kids are raised by a complete family.  You would be wrong.  You just have to ask yourself where the actual father is and why she didn’t stay with him.  The answer: what difference does it make where he is as long has his check arrives on the scheduled date and he can play babysitter every other Saturday?  Believe me: single moms LOVE this arrangement.  They get to play act at being moms – i.e. be “heroic” –  a few days a week, then get to slut it up on the weekends.  The last thing they need is a long term relationship to screw up that arrangement.  But at least you get laid!  Too bad these mothers are raising a generation of neurotic freaks.  Also, they tend to flake a bit more; ya know, “couldn’t find a babysitter.”

You’ve been advised about how to OKC, you’ve been given the crash course on how to start a conversation and you’ve seen the three types of women you’ll meet.  The rest is up to you.

Here are three, final tips before I depart:

  1. Be EXTREMELY wary of a woman who looks surprisingly good, yet is overly eager to go out on a date with you.  She’s either aged severely or put on weight since the pictures on her profile were taken and assumes that once you’ve had enough alcohol or weed in your system, that you’ll overlook these minor details.  DON’T BE TRICKED!!!
  2. Although this seems obvious, overly eager guys, of which I’ve been at times, seem to forget; if a woman ONLY takes closeups of herself and doesn’t have a single full body shot, she is fat.
  3. Although your level of tolerance might be higher than mine, I’d highly suggest avoiding women who use words like “polyamorous”, “pansexual”, “non-binary”, “cis-gendered” or “heteronormative.”  They’re just fancy ways of saying, “daddy didn’t love me, and now I’m getting back at him by being a slut.”  Obviously avoid feminists.

And there you have it.  If you’re willing to put in the work, you should soon be having sex with moderately attractive women, some of whom have real jobs and real concerns, who you’ll be able to maintain a relationship with for at least a few weeks.