Back in I think 1998, Rob Halford, the singer of Judas Priest, proudly declared to the world that he is a gay man. All I thought at the time was, “if a gay man had been on their 1997 album Jugulator, it might not have been such a pile of horse shit” and “man, why is he trying to appeal to NIN/Marilyn Manson fans with his band Two and their equally lousy album Voyeurs?” In fact, I was actually kind of intrigued by his admission and went excavating the Priest back catalog for any clues to his homosexuality.
And hoo boy, if people didn’t at least get some hints, then they just weren’t paying attention. I didn’t really think too deeply into their lyrics at the time since most of them are about monsters and machines that take over the world. But they also have songs like “Raw Deal”, which talks about New York’s gay mecca fire island, “All the Way”, which, barring the fact that it’s on an album called Point of Entry, all but blatantly describes an S&M scenario between two men and “Jawbreaker”, which, in case ya did not know, is gay slang for a giant cock. I can’t help but be amused every time I hear Rob Halford melodramatically sing the lyrics to “Jawbreaker”, especially when I recently saw Priest live and watched all the metal bros singing along to it.
Yep, my friend Jared and I did not care that Rob Halford was gay. We were actually taken aback when we were hanging outside Harpos and some biker type dude was going on and on about how he’ll never listen to Judas Priest again because Halford is a fag. When we saw him live, the venue was packed and people didn’t view Rob Halford as a fag; they viewed him as ROB FUCKIN’ HALFORD OF JUDAS PRIEST.
My point is, at the time, we were (and still are) accepting of gays. We were so accepting, in fact, that, when we worked at Burgerking between the ages of 15 and 18, we would fill the downtime with copious amounts of ass slapping, air humping, limp wrist gestures and typically effeminate gay speak. Why? Because it’s funny. Because stereotypical gay people are funny. I even knew some women and gays who thought it was cool that we were so comfortable with ourselves that we could act gay and not worry how others would perceive us. After all, we aren’t homophobic.
What does “homophobia” even mean? Well, if a phobia is an irrational fear, then it’s an irrational fear of homos; and I assume they don’t mean homo sapiens. How can you be afraid of gays? Afraid of what? That they’ll rob or kill you? I guess “homophobia” implies that, when some people see gays, they’re afraid that it might trigger their inner gay, so they attack gays to suppress any gay they might have. That’s the best way I understand it, and it is sad that people are sometimes victims of violent crimes because of being gay. But be honest; is anti-gay crime a nationwide epidemic?
So, anyway, as it turned out, what Jared and I were doing when we worked at Burgerking, acting like a couple flaming homos, wasn’t funny, progressive or accepting; it was blatant acts of hate. When I went to college and hung around the radio station, I didn’t realize that the zeitgeist had changed. Here I am thinking, “I have plenty of gay friends. I support the legal union of two gay adults to obtain the same tax exemptions as straight people. Clearly I’m not homophobic” Turns out that, at least according to my former friend Kyle, a zero fun, straight edge, hardcore, vegan type, my “making fun” of gay people is a form of “othering” them.
Shortly after I learned about the term LGBT (later LGBTQ, and later even more letters). Ah, the wonderful things you learn in college between the classes that will actually help you secure a good future. So what exactly do these initials, which represent a so called “oppressed” group, mean? Let’s break it down:
L is for lesbian. A lesbian is a woman who is sexually attracted to other women. In a lesbian relationship, one woman plays the female role and the other is, I guess, the male of the relationship, and thus takes on more masculine mannerisms. Okay, fine. I actually met a lesbian couple at my friend Brian’s wedding. The “woman” of the relationship was actually REALLY pretty, and I wouldn’t have guessed she was a lesbian unless she told me. She was in her late 30s, but looked like she was in her late 20s. The “male” of the relationship dressed like Annie Lennox. Initially I thought she was one of the servers since she dressed in what looked like an androgynous catering outfit, but nope, she was part of the couple. Also, they told me they can’t stand Muslims because Muslims think it’s cool to throw them off of roofs, and they don’t want to be thrown off of roofs.
Next we have G. If my gaydar is correct, the G stands for “gay”, which sixty years ago meant happy. The umbrella definition of gay could include women who are attracted to other women, but is typically reserved for men who are attracted to other men. Like in the lesbian relationship, one man takes the male role, and the other is the “woman.” The “man” of the relationship is in fact typically a normal dude and, for the life of me, there are people who I never would have guessed were gay until they told me; like my friend Tim, who is big, gumpy and weird looking, and could possibly be autistic. The “female” side of the gay equation is of course overly effeminate, lisping and fashion obsessed; the really scrawny ones are called “twinks” if I’m not mistaken. Then there’s the category of “bears”, who, from my understanding, are just big, burly dudes, who happen to be gay.
Then we have B, which, if I’m good at the deduction game, means bisexual. Now, typically I find it VERY rare to find a true bisexual man, and I’m often dubious of the ones who say they are, but, whatevs. The same goes for women; I usually find that, when they’re bi, they’re just bitter about a relationship and have “given up on men”, or they’re slutty college girls just “trying things out.” My ex Holly told me she’s not bi at all, that she’s attracted to men, and that’s it. On the other hand, another girl I briefly dated, Nikki, vividly described a situation where she scissored with her roommate while high on coke, and claims to have came four times during the experience. The visual of her nicely developed pair-shaped body with that big ass and those enormous, football-like boobs, being enthralled in a leg locked, vagina to vagina rubbing session possibly with someone who has presumably the same body contours has kept me warm on many a lonely night. So, either she was turned on by the thrill of doing something “naughty” or she legitimately found her roommate attractive. Either way, phew, wow.
Fourth and no longer last, we have T for “transgender”? What the fuck is “transgender”? Does it mean transvestite like Edward D. Wood Jr., who liked to dress in his wife’s clothes, and the cross dresser in The Crying Game? Does it mean transexual, like legendary punk rock singer Wayne Country, who became Jayne Country by having his dick chopped off and replaced with a vagina? Does that mean County went from being a gay man to a straight woman? I don’t fuckin’ know. It’s so confusing these days with people inventing all kinds of weird labels for themselves. And furthermore, I’m still stumped as to what the T has to do with the L, G or B. Many gays and lesbians have now turned their back on the trans community. After all, how does who you want to fuck have anything to do with what gender you want to be?
For some reason, they threw Q onto the end of that little string of initials, but I have no idea how Q differentiates in any way from L, G or half of B.
I will say this though; as much as I don’t care what other people do, I will never consider a man, who surgically had his penis removed and replaced with a phony vagina, a woman. And, unless they’re lying so they seem more “progressive”, I don’t know a single straight man who would be okay with having slept with a “woman” who was born a man. I also find it pretty difficult to believe that a person couldn’t spot a “trans” (vestite? sexual? gender?) prior to engaging in sex, because this…
…will never be this…
The only way I’d EVER mistake the gorgeous wide hips, thick thighs and big boobs of a woman for the bony, scrawny, shape of a man, whose boobs were implanted, regardless of what hangs between his/her legs, is if I was too drunk to fuck in the first place.
Is any of what I’m saying wrongheaded or bigoted? If you are a man who is attracted to other men or you’re a woman who is attracted to other women, or you’re somehow attracted to both, that’s okay! I do not care. However, how you ACT in public still determines how normal you are. If you participate in gay pride events, where you wear a jockstrap and a cowboy hat and simulate sexual acts, you are being weird. You are trying to make people uncomfortable. You are deliberately transgressing. If you’re a MAN and you surgically become a WOMAN, you are also being weird. When my buddies and I would go to restrooms that have several stalls and deliberately all line up behind one stall and engage in conversation with the person who was pissing, we were also transgressing and being weird. The difference is that we aren’t trying to make people accept this as normal behavior.
I LIKE weird. After all, I’m a John Waters fan for crying out loud. It was Waters who said, “coming out is so square.” And weird is okay for some people. It IS amusing to make people uncomfortable within reason. Taking a bro-dude to a gay bar and watching him freak out is funny. Having a man use the women’s restroom with little girls around them is not funny. Parading around in public, swinging phallic objects with little kids around is not funny or cool. Trying to make the populace conform to the narcissistic wishes of 0.03% of the population by changing bathroom rules so a man who dresses like a woman can use the women’s restroom is not funny; it’s deadly serious and not cool at all. If parents don’t want their kids around that, you have to respect that.
I joke about organizing a gay pride parade in Dearborn, a suburb of Detroit that has a heavy Muslim population. THAT would definitely test their tolerance for what they perceive to be weird and deviant, wouldn’t it? But you would never try to force them to accept homosexuality or the transgender way of life? So, why would you try to force it on everybody else? Why are you trying to normalize weird behavior? Can’t you just accept that you’re weird and be happy with yourself?
We currently live in a messed up world, where teens who are going through a phase and decide they’ve been “misgendered”, get support from equally messed up weirdos in online groups like tumblr and reddit. Unfortunately, if parents don’t step in and curtail this behavior, it could lead to irreparable life choices. I showed my buddy a thing called “otherkin”, where kids pretend to be of the “wrong species”, and I asked him whether he would have a serious discussion with his son if he ever found out he were involved in this bizarre subculture; he said he most certainly would. Unfortunately he didn’t pick up on the parallel I was attempting to draw with the “transgender” issue.
Oh well, I guess I don’t have to worry about it since I’m not a parent.