Expressing one’s sexuality has become a complicated affair. A long time ago, what was an oppressive, patriarchal world, full of strict labels that forced people to confine themselves to “normal” sexual acts in which a man’s only option would be to stick his genitalia into only a limited number of orifices – sadly all human – and a woman was expected to only allow acceptable items to be inserted into her vaginal cavity, has, thanks to sexual liberation been opened up (no pun intended) into a world of whole new possibilities.
But, before we go on, let me apologize for my crass and insensitive labeling of “man” and “woman.” These no longer exist. What I meant to say was “humans who were assigned male or female genitalia and a male or female societal role against their will.”
Now, one may say, “do we need labels at all?” After all, if a person of undisclosed genitalia and gender identity wants to go fuck a horse, then this person with undisclosed genitalia and gender identity should be allowed to fuck a horse! That is this person’s right and, as long as it doesn’t harm another (and even if it does), we have no right to judge.
However, we use labels for all sorts of reasons so I’m not sure why some people get bent out of shape about the neologisms for sexuality. So for myself and for those of you who don’t understand or even know about the rapidly changing “word world” of sexuality, here’s a primer on the subject, using something that is a little easier to understand: a list with definitions.
1.) Bedpansexual – This type of person gets really turned on by bedpans, whether it’s jerking off into bedpans, bathing in bedpans or pouring the contents of bedpans all over one’s head.
2.) Craniosexual – Back, in our less enlightened days, we called this skullfucking. But, somewhere down the line, “skullfucking” became an ugly and discriminatory term, almost as if it were deviant behavior. Nowadays, if you notice a heteronormative couple and the one who looks like the holder of the female genitalia is wearing an eye patch, you can giggle to yourself and say, “I know what those crazy cats were up to last night!”
3.) Breadsexual – Someone who gets turned on by the prospect of cooking a warm loaf of bread and fucking it. Okay, let’s face it; we’ve ALL been breadsexuals at one point.
4.) Bionosexual – Few would consider RoboCop or the Terminator to be sex symbols, but few people have heard of the sexual attraction to beings who are part organic and part bionic. In real life, unfortunately, the result of this attraction has been quite disastrous, as one might expect from being jerked off by a mechanical claw, but I’d be prejudiced against bionosexuals if I attempted to dissuade them from this lifestyle. I hope they’re at least using some form of lubrication.
5.) Autopsosexual – DO NOT confuse autopsexuals for necrophiliacs. This is a pure act of prejudice, but don’t worry. You weren’t aware. Autoposexuals only get turned on by corpses which are being cut open, taking the sentiment “I wanna feel you from the inside” quite literally.
6.) Allosexual – A person who experiences sexual stimulation from sticking one’s head into the mouth of an alligator. Unfortunately the majority of the people who get turned on this way are eaten before they can achieve full sexual fulfillment.
7.) Pierced-stomachsexual – Person who experiences sexual attraction from seeing someone having his or her stomach filled with liquid, having his or urinary tract blocked off and have his or her stomach pierced with a sword, like what happened in Caligula.
8.) Decaposexual – Person who gets wildly turned on from watching another person get decapitated; it’s probably safe to assume this person would have been aroused during the filming of John Landis’ segment of Twilight Zone the Movie.
9.) Assbladesexual – Person who experience sexual attraction from seeing a knife stuck into another person’s anus.
10.) Assbleedsexual – Although this one can overlap with assbladesexual, this is a person who enjoys the sight of another person bleeding from the anus; the reason for the bleeding doesn’t make a difference.
11.) Immobilesexual – Person who is turned on by another person’s lack of mobility. Of course this could be divided into a myriad of sub-categories, from someone who is attracted to paraplegics and quadriplegics to a person who gets turned on by watching those commercials in which old people fall and can’t get up.
12.) Spergosexual – Person attracted to anyone on the autism spectrum, but especially those who can keep a thoroughly detailed one-sided conversation going for four hours without stop.
13.) Flagosexual – Person who is incredibly aroused by self-flagellation; whether it’s the classic self-whipping along the back, running head first into a wall or constant self criticism, any will do as long as the person constantly feels guilty for something and is punishing himself for it.
14.) Peptosexual – Person who enjoys watching another person get heartburn. This is the type of person that gets sexually aroused at another person’s torment caused by the ingestion of spicy food or hoppy beverage. One does not know if he or she is on a date with a peptosexual until the person notices the other person’s discomfort, at which point sexual arousal occurs.
15.) Cystnormative – Person who gets aroused by watching someone having a boil drained.